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A Flawless Victory: Fleet Battlegroup Romeo

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2005 3:18 pm    Post subject: A Flawless Victory: Fleet Battlegroup Romeo Reply with quote

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A Flawless Victory: Fleet Battlegroup Romeo
Posted by VesselDown (BattleReady301@Yahoo.com)
10 March 2005, 4:16 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=vesseldown.0310050416001.html
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Wiley K.
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Location: Neutralizing the guards to 1000+ post land. They don't seem too competent.

PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2005 3:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad, not bad at all. I liked it.

7/10
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Bronzemage
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2005 9:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

4 MACS???!?!?!!?!!?!?!

Don't detroyers have 2?

Anwyays, I actually liked that. It had good fighting descriptions, but not much detail on why the battlegroup was actually there. That could have been a little better if you included at the start something other than the Captain's boredom.

Watch the credibility of what you're writing, also. It looks in that as though the Covenant didn't stand a chance and that the UNSC absolutely kicked them in the tail. Remember that one Covie destroyer is a match for about 4 of ours, so the thing about 2 frigates and 1 destroyer taking 2 frigates and one destroyer realy doesn't seem very... believable.

Keep up the good work, just watch those details.

8/10, considering it was meant to be a fighting piece.
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VesselDown
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Location: Wait lemmie check my GPS....

PostPosted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 5:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

First. Thanks for the praise. Second, the reason the UNSC kicked the crap out of the Covenant is because in The Fall of Reach, it says that Covenant ships exit slipstream space basically inert until their power reserves kick in. The human ships exited at full power and immediatly attacked. Kind of a shoot first sift the debris later plan. Also, as stated in the opening Header you can see that the Cassandra is a cruiser. While we never actually found out how many guns they have, they are suposed to be about 3 times the size of a destroyer, so it would seem they'd have at least twice as many MAC cannons. Still you make good points. I'll try and add a little more plot instead of making it seem like a westen shoot out.

THX
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VesselDown
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Location: Wait lemmie check my GPS....

PostPosted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 5:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh. theres Two Frigates, One Destroyer, and a single Cruiser. I know in Fall of Reach it says they were being pulled back but i wanted to have the firepower of one in my hands Very Happy
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 6:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's okay to have that kind of firepower as long as you have a good reason for it.

Just as a small tip: In your heading, you can keep everything in bold. You don't have to unbold you ship name to italicise it. Just make things look like they belong together.
And speaking of coding: Indents would have helped your story out a good bit. Just use one at the beginning of each new paragraph - and yeah, lines of dialogue count, too.

Always remember to spell out those minor numbers. Something like "20" can be easily spelt out as "twenty." Always remeber that.

Quote:
no. 1 holotank

Abbreviations like that are just unprofessional in appearance. And especially in body text. Don't abbreviate that kind of thing. It is like ranks. Sure, we know what you are talking about, but you have no need to abbreviate and shorten things in your story like that.

Do always be careful how you introduce your story. Starting it off with how incredibly bored your characters are is not something that will usually intice a reader to read more. Make sure, even if your characters are bored, that you have some element that draws people in, and makes things worthwhile.

Now, you say that the reason your people took down the Covie ships so easily to start with was because they come out of Slipspace half shutdown. I knew that, too; as I have noted that in tFoR. However, you totally contradicted that with this bit:
Quote:
Blue dots appeared on the exterior of the Covenant ships and red blobs began collecting into lines on their flanks.

You had that right after they came out of the jump and before the battle even started. That would mean that they had power to start up and charge their weapons. The ships would thus have shields and be just as powerful as they always were.

I've never heard of indidual MAC coils called on line. They just say arm the MAC. Or if it was more than one MACs or MAC guns. You can use different designations for seperate Archer pods, but not MAC coils.

Work on your descriptions, too. They were just a tad tell-y. Make sure everything is fluid and doesn't explain narrative to us. Describe it using vivid detail - get the picture across.

Yeah; your plot could have been a lot more existant. I couldn't discern much of a purpose for this. Some human ships popped out of Slipspace, Covie ships did too, they fought, the Humans won, and then went home. Why? Where? When? Sure a short story is okay; but do include subtle things about an underlying plot. It just makes things seem more meaningful.


Overall, this was pretty good. A good venture at space combat. Though, do keep practicing with it. Read through some tFoR and First Strike scenes to get more examples; or even some good space-based fics around here. Keep up the work; and good luck.
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 2:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think Destroyers house two Magnetic Accellerator Cannons. Any more would consume more power than the machines could effectively provide. Remember that the Iroquois had to take up lots of power just to fire both cannons.

- Dave.
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"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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