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The Priestess and the Warrior - Sacrifices
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hboff
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:06 pm    Post subject: The Priestess and the Warrior - Sacrifices Reply with quote

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The Priestess and the Warrior - Sacrifices
Posted by Jillybean (jbean_gotmuse@yahoo.co.uk)
9 March 2005, 3:53 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=jillybean.03090515533711.html
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Covie_Lover
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2005 11:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Horray! A new story! Yay!!! But... it's kind of sad.

You're a great writer, Jillybean. In case you didn't realize that...

I jsut wish you you had joined my forum. But enough of that.

Good Luck! Razz
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2005 11:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahh; I had been looking forward to this.

No major complaints. Just the customary "there were some small mistakes" and "some parts moved by a little fast."

The emotional content was pretty intense. And the plot progressed well. A few twists that made me wonder.


Overall, I enjoyed this quite a bit. Well done. Just smooth out some things, and I might not have anything at all to say next time 'round. Keep up the fantastic work.
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Jillybean
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2005 11:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks - again, I'm struggling with writers block - and obviously this week was a bit . . . stressful.

I pondered over Lyueem, but the idea is that she was so independent, she wouldn't be used to manipulate her parents, and the only way to do that was to leave evidence that she hadn't died of 'natural causes'. That and - no Sangheili should ever die at a Brute's hands
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thedarkfire
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Joined: 03 Aug 2004
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Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!

PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 2:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just letting you know I read it. No complaints.

"Isn't that prophet dead?" HAHA
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Aoxuan
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 3:19 am    Post subject: Sacrifices Reply with quote

Such a sad story...

My review on your writing is different today. Not much to say, because it was one of the shorter stories in PatW. Pretty emotional. A few minor details I don't need to mention. It seems like to changed your format a bit.

I do not like Regret. Or any Prophet. At all. Was he assasinating her? Or was that part of her First Rites?

That's about it. Good job Jill.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 3:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

First rites? Somehow I doubt it. A heirarch would never go to every single Sangihielli child's rites.
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Bronzemage
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 7:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, I think I understand about the kids now.

Nice work on thbe emotion, good to see you worked on it....

I've just got a little teensy complaint, that we don't really know how much time has passed. It seems that there's a new child of Fulsamee's for every story. There's Karte... ad Saia... and Saia... and .... and... I just don't KNOOOW!
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Jillybean
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 2:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah - In PoR I came up with a random figure that sounded sad - six children. In reality, it's difficult to come up with that. I think that I should have tweaked the Ages so that there was a more definite 'date' to each section, as quite frequently weeks pass between scene jumps.

This equates to:
Karte' Jalahass (oldest son, in the military, Blue Elite)
Saia' Lyueem (oldest daughter, Seventh level Priestess, assassinated by Regret)
Hara' Jalahass (Second son, excelled in military school, so is in same level as Karte', his elder)
<i>Note - these children came to their professions late, since they were on board the <b>Grave Leanings</b> for at least three years. Sangheili years are also very long, so a three year old is equivalent to an older human child . Most of their contemporaries would be younger.</i>
Kray' Jalahass (Youngest son, just entered military training)
Saia' Kristassi (Youngest daughter.)
Daughter - who is yet to be conceived
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HELSING
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 3:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was a really well written story. I found two or three spelling mistakes but it was a big story to proofread, so you are forgiven.

There was no fighting scenes except for a short cutscene with the kid!!

AAGHHH. Oh well, good story.
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Bronzemage
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2005 8:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I see.

Well, Jilly, if there's one thing about you I wanna say is that you actually want your audience to understand what you're writing. Some writers (including myself) just write gibberish and include no notes as to what's actually happening, either in the story (as explainations) or Author's Notes.

Glad to see you're doing that.

I'm not a reviewer myself, but I want to compliment you and say that this piece of writing is equal or greater to some bestselling copies of published authors.

Keep up the GREAT work! Smile
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Jillybean
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2005 1:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If there's anything I've learned from the most successful artists - is that your fanbase needs to know what you're doing. Posting tidbits of information is like advertising - but also means I can tell the story the way I feel it should be told, without inserting cumbersome exposition. I despise exposition
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2005 4:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Agreed, Jilly. That can just slow down a story - fill it up with so much explenation that it becomes most tedious and boring to sift through. I think Mind_Affecting_Parasite went through such an instance this posting time as well. Apparently, he had a way he wanted things to go, but didn;t give a big reason in the story itself. It's a problem that happens. Though it is good to provide hints that keep you from having to explain it.
Unfortunately, when you release a novel, you probably won't have a place like this to explain it all out to your readers - unless you do a post-story explenation.
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Jillybean
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2005 5:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, but a novel and a fanfic are two completely different things. With a fanfic there are always constraints. Novels have no restrictions at all. When the world is your own creation, it's not exposition - it's history Smile
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2005 7:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good point. A novel is a bit more permanent, also. Can't easily change it or reconsile it away. Still, I agree with the increased freedom. Your work, and you can do whatever you want with it.
Here, you have a helluva lot of freedom to create different plots and such, but you are still restricted to the Halo-verse - what I think people sometimes forget, however, is that the Halo story is not confined to 2552; it reaches all the way back to now, if one would wish it so.
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