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Trapped Fighting….The Flood

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2005 1:54 pm    Post subject: Trapped Fighting….The Flood Reply with quote

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Trapped Fighting….The Flood
Posted by Mark Lieberg (malieberg@msn.com)
8 March 2005, 9:23 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mark_lieberg.0308050923458.html
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2005 5:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My first time reading your stuff, and well...

It feels more like a summary then a story. That's all I'm gonna say.
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 6:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it, I better go read the rest of the series tho. Not bad, a tad short but hey, just cause I write twelve page chapters. lol.

Gw Mark, keep improving...
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 7:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Fall...well The next chapter I wrote finish half yesterday...Ill try to finish the next half in a week...cause I want it detailed....Theres one part I really like...

Im posting two chapters..which is a peice of work on half of my story..hoep you like it.

Preview : Title....SECRET

***

[indent] The trees were covering the skies, so he had to run a little more to catch what was above him. He ran, seeing an open patched area, but was slowed down by a yell. “Argh, help!” A Corporal asked as two of his friends ran to get him as the others gave suppression fire towards the Flood. They were falling one by one, but every time a body fell, two more would appear in their place, creating an unstoppable attack force. The two buddies of the Corporal lifted his body, and started running to the open area. William saw the three, and turned around; leveling his Shotgun he got to work. He pumped three shells into five Flood units. They fell like bags of sand, and the little Infection Forms inside deflated.

[indent] The loud sound of engines caught the Sergeant Major’s ear as he saw hundreds, if not thousands of bullets come flying out of nowhere hitting the Flood. Please let it be what I think it will be, please, William thought was the tree’s fell. The light flooded the dark roads, and illuminated the damp pathways to light. Then he saw the Longsword Interceptor, its sleek black hull flew quickly through the sky. It was a beautiful sight, and it was hard to imagine help arrived out of nowhere. More bullets came, firing and killing Flood Units, then more noise came, and two more Longsword Interceptors came firing their Coaxial Chaingun helping the Marines get to safety.
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 1:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well I like the preview. I guess you could say that it caught my attention so I will read it and post on it when it gets submitted.

On to the story. It was pretty good but I think you need to show more than tell... It is one thing to read a story and it is another to fell like you are there. So work on that. Your basic structure and all is great. With alot of practice you will be a Pro like MAP or Jilly or Chuckles.

Keep up the good work, and keep on practicin'.

Caleb
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2005 6:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I saw some mistakes in that preview..but hopefully the chapter will be good...they are talking about leavng halo again, but this tme, there's a catch.. :D
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Red Ghost
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 2:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The story is very staccato. While your action sequences were handled nicely, the beginning felt very mechanical. Try experimenting with sentence length and vocabulary to decrease changing ideas so often. That may have been what you were going for in the beginning (the anxiety of being surrounded) but, for example, you could have packed those ideas into a run-on sentence to compliment the frantic, or racing, mind of the soldier. Just work on the structure (I'm not talking about the code) so your readers can ease into your ideas, and the point your trying to make. Because structure effects tone, and you don't want your readers bored. As a start, and overall, it was good. (Hint: work on your transitions)
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 6:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah..Cold told me about tthat, so Hopefully Im improving on the next chapter..Hope you like it Master Sushi.
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MasterSushi
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 8:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Darn right I do!

Right then, let's get to work.

"Chapter 8 No Escape"
would be better as:
Chapter 8: No Escape
or something like that.

You need more description, everything goes by pretty fast and you need to proofread it well as too. I suggest that you:
Proofread it. While you proofread it, sort out your grammar, your spelling (which was good anyway) and your wording (which could've been better) and beef it up a lot too.

You could also work on your character's emotion as well, pulling out all of their passion, lost love, will to die yet will to survive.


Good work on the formatting, that was very well done.

And one of your greatest strengths, something that made up for any other mistakes (for me anyway) is that your speech is very, very good. Somehow your dialogue seems very real, has a strange movie-like feel and also sounds very professonal.

I won't be picky because I really enjoyed this, make sure that you add more description though to pace it all out, it goes by too fast without enough detail. Great dialogue. Some dodgy sentances. Good plot. Good formatting. Don't forget to code your "Chapter whatever: Insert title here."

PM me if you need anything,
MasterSushi
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 9:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I have no way of knowing if you have already submitted your next. If you have, you'll just have to keep what I say in mind, as always; if not, well then, you have however long it takes to improve things. Very Happy


To the story.

I won't go into detail about what I think of ANs. The only things I think that should be placed at the top of a story in that form are Acknowledgements and Inspirations. Hell, if you format it right, you could do a page-long forward.

When you do a summary like that, it is one place where you can tell us. Straight out explain it. All you need to let us know are the major events that have lead to and have influence in this current chapter.

I have a couple small tips: Bold your headings, including your chapter heading. Also, when you say "UNSC [ship name here]", all you ahve to italicise is the ship name, not UNSC as well.

You were getting fairly well into the character; but your details did need some improvement. Telling instead of showing was something I saw. Not describing was another. Try adding material as well. Your paragraphs were not short - but they weren't very long either.

Watch those transitions. You didn't even have a double-space between the Colonel and the Sergeant.

Keep an eye on your grammer. There were places where it was fudged up. Read things over carefully and watch for things that don't sound quite right. Little things matter, too.

Eww. Invinsible Marines. That is what I thought of when you had your Marines fight the Sentinels. You didn't even mention those floating bastards open fire. In fact, from the read, it was almost like they just floated around while being shot at. Make your characters sound human; and part of that is mortal.


Overall, this was pretty good. Just slow things down and keep listening to advice. Good luck.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 6:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sigh...Yeah

I didnt realize the Sentinal part till you just told me. The next chapter will...I will hold onto it for around a month. Sorry...or maybe just a few weeks.

Well the bolding the Chapter title

I thoughgt you guys told me something about not doing that..but if It pleases you..THen I shall do that. *looks at Master Sushi* You know what I mean. Right? Good. Anyways.

Thanks. I and definatly going to add a ton more to the other story...and try to make it believable..oh M S...thanks for saying hat you liked the diologue...didnt know it sounded like a movie, but when I read like Tom Clancy, Im still on page 595 i think...I noticed that the characters rarly talked in with in five paragraphs. So i just thought.

Ill keep that to my self. Well, this week is big testing, tera Nova's..god..taking them for the past 6 years cause Im at a Dodds school...*looks at ENS* Well All Im saying is thanks.

PS..Star Wars 3....mad fucking awsome, and the trailer gives me like an exciting moment like hell.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 2:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow..wonder if this gets brought back up..haha
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