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Halo 2: Altered Version Chapter 5 and 6

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 05, 2005 12:59 pm    Post subject: Halo 2: Altered Version Chapter 5 and 6 Reply with quote

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Halo 2: Altered Version Chapter 5 and 6
Posted by Mark Lieberg (malieberg@msn.com)
5 March 2005, 2:22 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mark_lieberg.0305050222048.html
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2005 2:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sigh........Ill post my other series chapter in a bit..COLD WHERE ARE YOU!!!
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Mark Lieberg
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 07, 2005 6:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Im just like Ark...

But i get no replies...No one knows me...
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 07, 2005 7:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

See no one post a comment.
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romac1991
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 07, 2005 10:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

heres a reply Very Happy
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romac1991
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 07, 2005 10:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

nice story
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 07, 2005 10:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

God Thanks man..you should read the previous to know the story line..but thanks anyways.
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MasterSushi
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 08, 2005 4:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aha! I've been looking for this story!

Very nice, you certainly know what you're doing.

You made brilliant use of the code, time-date-location stamp, ship names etc.

It was structured well, grammatically.

It flowed pretty well,

and most of all it was a fantastic read.

Could have done with a quick proof read to iron it out, fix some of the minor mistakes.

Could have done with some more detail as well, to pace it slower, i found myself reading through it quite quickly.

You should have PMed me Mark,
I'm always up for reveiwing stories if someone asks me. Smile
I'm amazed that this thing hasn't got so many reveiws. It's a shame I think you're a great writer with excellent promise for the future, but lots of people seem to just pass you by Confused

Good luck for the future Mark,
See ya'll in the next part. Very Happy
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Swift'n'Painful
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 08, 2005 5:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's a pretty great story there Mark. Some spelling mistakes, and grammer mistakes here and there. Do you know the difference between the words "through" and "threw"? The reason I ask this is because in places where you should have used through, you used threw instead. Threw is like you threw the ball. Through is like you drove through the tunnel. Things seemed to flow pretty well, but it went by too fast. Also the Chief just seemed a little bit like superman, I mean that he seemed that he was basically unstoppable.

Try and take more time when you right the next part of the story. If you do that it will be a heck of a lot better, not saying that this one wasn't good, but everyone has room improvement.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2005 2:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Me patient, Mark. Renown and comments come with time. You just have to wait for them - don't keep posting on your own fic.


You acknowledged that there were errors in your AN. Well, why did you post it? Don't think you just have to post something by a certain time. Give a story the time and care it deserves. Proofread and fix those mistakes. But never post and accept that you have those problems. It makes me think that you don't want to fix them.

Just as a tip: post chapters one at a time. There are two main reasons for this.
One is that one solid chapter just reads better and looks better than two stuck side-by-side.
Two is that by posting a single one, you are focusing on just that material, and so you have more of an opportunity to expand and develop that piece of the story.

Always make sure to cap those proper nouns. "Marine(s)" is a proper noun.

Always use that showing detail. Let things flow together so that they are smooth and work together, forming a good picture and describing things to us. Work on not telling us what you have to convey.

Phantoms are a kind of dropship. They are just of a different/new design than the others. So use Abarition (or whatever that dubbed name is) or your own term.

The storyline is a tad too parallel to that of Halo 2's for my taste. Add some original material in there. Even if you decide to do things differently, make sure to add your own stuff and not just make things sound the same.


Overall, this was decent, but it did go by pretty fast. Slow things down and flesh them out for us. It will make things much more interesting to read. Good luck; and have fun.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2005 6:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well...ONe thing..Im greatly sorry one

Becuase that Chapter..I had an Edited one with all the mistakes like MCC said, and the through thingy too..I changed that..that one chapter..sorry again..wasnt the edited one i spent three hours on...sigh..Im stupid..

argh..

I copied the wrong file..but that is the story..just isnt the edited one..

If you like Ill post my next chapter for next selection, and my other series chapter is coming up soon..hope you like that...

Plus..my other series chapter 9 will have a twist..thanks Master Sushi you Kind of made me smile..becuase it sounded sarcastic like someone had too much sugar...but thanks man :)

Yeah..I didnt know you would read if I pMed you..so Ill do that now aite?

THanks MCC.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2005 7:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Swift'n'Painful...I already wrote the next chapter like a half a year ago...

LOL...I have a whole story..which only a few people know.

Around 16 or 20 chapters...equal 114 pages..just to point that out..and I do plan on proffreading them as ii post them on HBO.
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