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Long Time Gone Part 40

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 05, 2005 12:59 pm    Post subject: Long Time Gone Part 40 Reply with quote

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Long Time Gone Part 40
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
3 March 2005, 11:46 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.03030511465440.html
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monitor101
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Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 107
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2005 11:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aside from some grammer problems, pretty good. 9/10. LOL, the story I posted was but on the last page of fanfics due to the flood of all these stories, many are good and others aren't. Damn noobs!
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 07, 2005 1:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was kind of disapointed by a lack of emotional relation and contrast in that first bit there. There could have been a whole lot more of a conflict presented there. All I saw was the surface of something that ran deep - but wished I had been given a look that covered more than that.
Also, switching back from both of their PoVs kind of made things glitchy. Stick to one character or the other, you can't follow both in the same scene with just a single sentense telling us about each one.
Now, on the upside, you did make your dialogue sound like something a person would say. Conversationally, it could have been smoother, but it was, for the most part, realistic. Still, do work on what I pointed out. Emotion in these types of cases is what you want to portrey. Details are key in this.

However, that whole blast-from-the-past took a while to relate to the present. Make sure you let us know that you are getting to something. Alude to present things or something that jazzes things up. If you just tell a story from a PoV, things may get tiresome until the climax or point is reached. You have to make us believe it is worth reaching that purposeful ending.


Overall, a fair progression, but one that introduced a lot of material. Slow things down a bit. It'll help you, hopefully, to add more material in there to make one of many sections into the whole story. Remember that; and keep it up.
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fallschirmjager
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Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
Location: The girls bathroom.

PostPosted: Tue Mar 08, 2005 6:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

the dialogue sounds 'real' because I had a similar situation a few years ago and I was like 'hmmm that would be good to structure this part about.'

But yeah, the next part is already done, gonna wait another day or so before I submit so it's on the top, kinda... Maybe then more people will read...

Also, when can I safely say I have the longest story in fanfict? lol

Time to start 42 before Fern comes on and is all Mad
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