HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

This topic is for posting comments to:

Long Time Gone Part 40
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
3 March 2005, 11:46 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.03030511465440.html

monitor101 · Member Joined: 10 Aug 2004 Posts: 107 Location: Burbank

Aside from some grammer problems, pretty good. 9/10. LOL, the story I posted was but on the last page of fanfics due to the flood of all these stories, many are good and others aren't. Damn noobs!

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

I was kind of disapointed by a lack of emotional relation and contrast in that first bit there. There could have been a whole lot more of a conflict presented there. All I saw was the surface of something that ran deep - but wished I had been given a look that covered more than that.
Also, switching back from both of their PoVs kind of made things glitchy. Stick to one character or the other, you can't follow both in the same scene with just a single sentense telling us about each one.
Now, on the upside, you did make your dialogue sound like something a person would say. Conversationally, it could have been smoother, but it was, for the most part, realistic. Still, do work on what I pointed out. Emotion in these types of cases is what you want to portrey. Details are key in this.

However, that whole blast-from-the-past took a while to relate to the present. Make sure you let us know that you are getting to something. Alude to present things or something that jazzes things up. If you just tell a story from a PoV, things may get tiresome until the climax or point is reached. You have to make us believe it is worth reaching that purposeful ending.

Overall, a fair progression, but one that introduced a lot of material. Slow things down a bit. It'll help you, hopefully, to add more material in there to make one of many sections into the whole story. Remember that; and keep it up.
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-MCC

fallschirmjager · Posted: Tue Mar 08, 2005 6:12 am Post subject:

the dialogue sounds 'real' because I had a similar situation a few years ago and I was like 'hmmm that would be good to structure this part about.'

But yeah, the next part is already done, gonna wait another day or so before I submit so it's on the top, kinda... Maybe then more people will read...

Also, when can I safely say I have the longest story in fanfict? lol

Time to start 42 before Fern comes on and is all Mad

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We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.

Will you keep my secrets hope to die?