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Seven Days: Part One of Seven
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 05, 2005 12:58 pm    Post subject: Seven Days: Part One of Seven Reply with quote

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Seven Days: Part One of Seven
Posted by SeverianofUrth (severn117@hotmail.com)
1 March 2005, 4:50 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=severianofur.0301051650181.html
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 05, 2005 1:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice job, Sev. It certainly catches your attention, hearing a dead man get something off of his chest. It also gives the story some built in foreboding, since you know that he's going to die. As you probably know, this is the kind of dark thriller that I enjoy most, but hardly anybody writes. The only thing I really have to comment about was the ending. There was nothing wrong with it, but it didn't grab me by the collar, throw me against the wall and snarl through clenched teeth, "You will read the next chapter, punk!" But that is more a matter of personal preference.

Doesn't matter really--I planned on reading your upcoming chapters long before I reached the ending. Great job.

C.T. Clown
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russ687
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 05, 2005 8:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dun...dun, dun.

Dun...dun, dun. (Imagine the opening song for CSI)

CSI: New Hawaii coming to CBS this Fall...

Nah, just playing.

Very good. I was very intriuged with the feel of the story you created. It was poetic and gruesome at the same time, and your use of first person made it seem taunting yet mysterious while split into a past-present type of writing. I loved it.

I must admit, I'm fairly confused, but I find it oddly fun, and now I can't wait for your next chapter.

-Russ
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 05, 2005 9:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with both; this was a wonderful piece of work... but what caught me was it's originality, and it's really forcing me back to the writing stage, which I'm going to start in a few minutes. The Strive to Survive really needs an ending, and I'm the only one who can deliver it. Smile

I really like how confusing this is, well, to me, at least, but I'm going to enjoy reading how it works out. This is the beginning, so you have a lot to establish, but this chapter has already forged itself as a successful part of the series. Loved it!

Great job, Severian, who knows... maybe you'll actually finish this series? Laughing Wink
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2005 3:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Disturbing as usual comming out of you. You actually inspired Cold to finish strive to survive, finally Cold!

Any reason you didn't indent. I know you know the code.

Me like.
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2005 3:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm glad to see you like the series...

Why doesn't anybody comment on the outstanding stories?
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2005 3:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cause they're stupid.
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2005 4:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dark, dark is good. Eagerly anticipating your next one Sev, great job with the dead bloke.
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MasterSushi
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2005 5:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lmao!

Yeah, loved the title Sev, and I loved the story even more. Nothing really to add that the others haven't, nice piece of work.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2005 7:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excellent story, Sev. You did a great job of getting the casual reader to raise an eyebrow right off the bat. Hard to do, you did it well.

I really enjoyed the FPV of this story. Not much more to say, if anything profound comes to mind I'll post later, but I will take the time to say I really liked your dialouge, and I'm more than intrigued about your protagonist. What's his past? He was a rebel, huh? Then how'd he end up in paradise? Not a bad gig, if you ask me...

Keep it comin', very well done.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2005 11:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heh. Thanks, all. It's great hearing the good stuff from you guys.

Oh, and CoLd, I will finish this damn story, even if it kills me. I've already laid out the plot, sketched out just about every damn building in the story, and wrote out the ending (but not the middle part...). So yeah, don't let my past record worry you.

Thanks, all. I appreciate it.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 07, 2005 2:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

CoLd, just put some nice reminders in there. I remember generalities, but nothing more than that. Instillation 07. I read a lot of fics, you know.

Anyway.

First Person Point of View. Not generally a fan... if it isn't done right. This was done plenty well enough to appreciate. Though I can't say better than some of the Poe I have read.
Captured things decently. Though a hair more emotion and detail would have made things better. Not too much, it would have diluted things; but a hair more, I think, would have done it. Even just a few more adjectives.

There were places where I thought the wording could have been a little better. Just phrased to sound smoother. Yes, this is told from a PoV, but it should still flow along at a good pace, and include what it needs to. Like the detail, this could have been added to.

Just a little thing. "comm." doesn't look quite right in the text. Direct abbreviations (like Mass.), especially when followed by a period, just take away from things ever so slightly. And you ahve better things to be worrying about than small problems. So just leave out the period, or use "COM" instead. Just like you would put Spec Ops or SpecOps instead of Spec. Ops.

The plot was good. An original idea. Dark in emotion and overall mood; but not as drastic as I thought it could have been. But perhaps you are going for a passive morbidness instead of sharp, contrasting horror. Either way, it was good.


Overall, this was pretty damn good. Nice to see you writing again - and do make sure you keep with it this time Wink . Keep up the good work.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 07, 2005 2:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm... thanks, MCC. I'll keep all that in mind. And yeah, I'll stick with this series. Smile
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 07, 2005 9:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I loved it. You have a knack for capturing real-life sequences, Sev.

Anyway, I liked the whole polieman's POV thing, but some spelling errors caught my eye. Keep it up, and I'll continue reading!
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 5:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, Nick.
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