HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

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Chapter One- Sneak Attack: Part II
Posted by Firestorm
28 February 2005, 10:45 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=firestorm.0228052245002.html

[Mark Lieberg]

This was interesing...Im going to look for Three.
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Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

[MC's Cousin]

Two satellites and the whole of of police COM down? And people weren't in a fuss? That just strikes me as odd. As overly cautious as your personnel seem to be being, I don't think they would just continue on with that kind of "malfunction." It just didn't seem believable to me in context.

I would cap "Secretary General." Since it is a title, and one that, assumedly, would only be held by one person - like the Secretary of Defense - it would be a proper noun, and thus capped.

Things in this chapter went a little too quickly for my taste. You had things happen, and then more things happen. You didn't really slow to develop or expand. Do that. It would really make things more interesting. As long as you stick with the material you have, and just exfoliate on the details, things should have a good pace without getting tedious.


Overall, this was pretty good. The ending was kind of sudden. The initial little sneek-attack party came in, got mowed down, and then the read invasion occurs. What gets me is how this could have happened - on Earth - without the orbital defenses having noticed something. Anyway, the stuff on the surface sounded pretty good. Just listen to suggestions and keep working. Have fun.
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-MCC