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Chapter One- Sneak Attack: Part I

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 05, 2005 12:57 pm    Post subject: Chapter One- Sneak Attack: Part I Reply with quote

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Chapter One- Sneak Attack: Part I
Posted by Firestorm
28 February 2005, 3:11 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=firestorm.0228050311181.html
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Mark Lieberg
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Joined: 12 Nov 2004
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Location: South Korea

PostPosted: Sat Mar 05, 2005 11:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I want to read Chapter two...
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 2:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bringin' back some that I missed. Time for some work.


Onto the story.

Just as a small tip: When you use an abbreviation, like UNSC, you don't have to use periods. Using them just takes off the flow and makes it look kind of cluttered. Just put it down in caps: UNSC.

Your initial descriptions started to get a tad repedetive. You used "island" a lot, as well as their names. Now while there is no real way around this if you really need to use the specific names of the islands, do always keep in mind that you should be using variety to avoid repedetive words and phrases. Alliteration is onlu good for poems.
Also on deacription, try to beed yours up a bit. Add more detail, and bring out all the elements of the story: the atmosphere/mood, the setting/environment, the characters, etc. All of it is important to be touched on.

Watch your flow, too. Just make an effort to have your sentenses flow smoothly together. All of your words should compliment each other, and lend towards a good read.
Part of what hurt the flow of the first little bit was how you about jumped from one perspective to another. You touched on one cop, but then went to another. When you do that kind of thing, you have to either stick with omni, or pick on PoV. Else it gets kind of glitchy.

Your plot was very interesting. Good ending, too. It's a good thing I'm going right on to read chap two. You've got me thinking - good.


Overall, this was pretty good. Not bad, not great; just a good average piece of writing - but that's not what we want now is it? Use the advice you receive to make yourself the best you can be. Good luck.
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