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SPECTRE: Chapter 1: Donald Feathertop and The SEALS: Part tw

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 05, 2005 12:57 pm    Post subject: SPECTRE: Chapter 1: Donald Feathertop and The SEALS: Part tw Reply with quote

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SPECTRE: Chapter 1: Donald Feathertop and The SEALS: Part two
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher†(rabid_masterchief@hotmail.com)
27 February 2005, 10:15 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ens_rabid_ga.0227052215113.html
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HELSING
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Joined: 21 Jan 2005
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 05, 2005 4:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it!

Jilly got married? Does she know?

A GPS wouldn't pick up enemies, that's a motion tracker.

So when do I enter the picture? Or do I?
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HoZ
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
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Location: Tyrone, PA (HA I'M POOR)

PostPosted: Sat Mar 05, 2005 4:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

that was nice... i dint see me but ohwell...it was great i swa a few minor goofs but nothing big keep it up
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 05, 2005 9:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, I liked it! There was some repetition and grammar mistakes here and there, but other than that, good!

Looks like you're successfully forming a solid plot to this MP fic, good on you.

Anyways, keep it up, Gallager... oh, and when do I make my next appearance? Wink
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 05, 2005 11:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was great..but did I miss a Chapter? How did Jilly get captured?
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2005 2:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like the style a lot better than that previous chapter. Thanks for listening.
However, there were still some things that could have been smoothed out. There were some small tense issues, where things should have been kept more consistent. Flow was good but could have been improved with better wording. So keep and eye out for that.

Small mistakes here and there. So don't negelect that proofreading.

I like that rank. And Air Force... If I were to go military, it would be either Spec Ops (SF) or a pilot that I would strive for. So, that works. And a reference to Sam Fisher *a screetching halt is heard* While I am honored, who is Sam Fisher in relation to 2552? Referencing to modern stuff must be done carefully. This was a little odd - but it fit, just barely.

Global Positioning System? Yeah, that isn't really used for tracking of enemies as far as I know (unless I don't know this something). Would have been nice to include a brief overview of that device.

Just as a small tip: italicise ship names. Looks better, and it just a traditional way to have them stand out a bit.


Overall, this was pretty good. Went by a little fast, and could have used more detail, though. Keep up the good and entertaining work. Good luck.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2005 10:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, but don't lie. Come on, it wasn't the most perfect fanfic you liked.

How is everyone? Sorry if I left on a bad note, but hey, we all got to sometime. Iíve been searching through the PP section and noticed that Iím on the ďNo Hug ListĒ. Hmm... Also, it seems I am quickly forgotten. Thank you. Really, I mean it. I would rather be forgotten than be wept about in the future
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2005 10:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it. And woohoo! I played a semi-big role in it! A few grammar errors and spelling errors dragged you down, but I'll gorgive those. Wink
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HoZ
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 07, 2005 2:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

this is too mke you mad ENS Razz

im still crying...
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Caleb the Jackal
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Joined: 11 Jan 2005
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 08, 2005 4:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was really good. I liked it alot. Can't wait for the next chapter. The only mistakes that I saw were already picked up on by MCC so I will just leave it at that.


Caleb
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Master Chief Spartan- 117
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 17, 2005 5:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

If u still haven't fixed names like jillybean then u are friggin crazy. I know u already developed the character but give here a nickname a little less comedy like Twisted Evil Evil or Very Mad Twisted Evil Evil or Very Mad Twisted Evil Evil or Very Mad Rolling Eyes
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