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The Reclamation of Earth

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 4:09 pm    Post subject: The Reclamation of Earth Reply with quote

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The Reclamation of Earth
Posted by Zerotide (zerotide@gmail.com)
26 February 2005, 7:27 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=zerotide.0226050727041.html
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sam_fisha
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Joined: 21 Dec 2004
Posts: 300
Location: A gutter

PostPosted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 4:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good, but being as how shoret the chapters are I'd say to just make them one chapter from now on.
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 7:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm.

This one got all jumbled together from the lack of coding. The code makes it easier to read. I find it very difficult to follow a story without the BB code.

Chapters should be longer - and undoubtedly, they should have detail if you're doing action.

On that note, action is not important at all in writing. Hands-down. It isn't. Plot, lines, characters, they are the core of stories. I saw movies go from the old plot-and-setting-and-characters type to the modern-day swill of action and naked girls, and I find no thrill in that if all it takes is plastic surgery and great computer animation. I don't want to see stories go that way.

Calm down, take your time, and remember coding. The opening was quite weak due to poor flow, and you've got problems that arise from lack of detail.

Now, I know you can do better. Everyone should. Don't give me that 'I just pulled it up in two minutes, gimme a break,' line, I've heard it all before.

This may seem harsh and critical, but if I didn't think you could do better, I wouldn't be taking the time to type this all out, letter by letter. I'd probably say, "235fsdhk5789rjkqwer 23sfdk49wer0h" or some kind of internet-thingy code to say, "Okay, that was good," without even reading it.

I don't know you personally, so I won't, and I can't insult you personally. What good would arise from that?

You can do better. I see it. You've made the first step by moving up to the submission form.

It's like climbing a tree - the first limb is always the hardest. Many fall in the dirt, having clipped the branch and not been able to grab it the first time. Many do the same a second time. But failiure is not falling. Falling is merely a signal - you either need help, or aren't throwing yourself on it, or maybe you need someone to help you learn how to throw yourself, all your heart and soul at it. Failiure is falling and calling quits.

Writing requires lots of time and practice - but aside from that, if you have the right kind of help, it's fairly simple.

And we're here to give you a hand up.

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Zado Zudamee
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Joined: 30 Jan 2005
Posts: 14
Location: The Divine Judgment

PostPosted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 9:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You did fairly well,except for some unrealistic part.

``All his ribs were broke,but he banished the pain.``

Er....Wouldnt he be dead?
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nuclearfungi177
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Joined: 30 Nov 2004
Posts: 2

PostPosted: Wed Mar 02, 2005 2:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, that was good, a few littles holes i could pick:
1) I don't think tires would usualy squeal on mud
2) I think when you said "Some ar bi-pod...." you actually ment biped? not sure about that one Smile
3) With speech and various other things you didn't use "the code" Rolling Eyes

Don't worry, my stories suck.

I'll have to read your other stuff. Wink

And yeah, I know it's supposed to be 117, rub it in Sad
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Fri Mar 04, 2005 2:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Zado Zudamee. Might you do me a favor by scaling down that pic of yours. I just am not fond of pictures dominating the page. Maybe it is just my preference, though.


Anyway. Onto the story.

Coding would improve things. In a few different ways. Italics can be useful in making thoughts, ship names, and radio transmissions more easy to distinguish; bold can make headings and titles stand out; horizontal rules can help make a transition more apparent [when approppriate]; and indents can give your story that formatted feel that we all know and love.
What I mean by formatting is having your paragraphs distiguishable from each other - 'cause your's weren't. So use indentation to accomplish that.

I would suggest just having one chapter/part per individual submission. Now, this does not mean that you can just post two or three chapters independently in the same update. Put your focus and effort into one chapter. That way, you will take more time on a single product, thus upping the quality; you just provide yourself with more time to develop and expand on less starting material. Then you have less of a tendency to rush.

Always spell out those numbers. It looks a lot better in the text, and reads better, too.

Well, that thing with the HEVs was interesting. I see you had them malfunction - perhaps as a result of the storm. But that was not what I found more interesting.
Yes, I know in Halo 2 [Delta Halo] that you [Master Chief] drop in with ODSTs. However, I do not think more than one Spartan would drop in the same batch of ODSTs - at least without a lot of consideration. Besides the facts that they generally don't get along, that would just be ovekill. Plus, Spartans like to work with themselves.

Watch out for small mistakes. There were a good few in there. It looked like you may have typed this up in a WP (Word Processor), but I wasn't sure. If you did, great; if not, you need to start.
Two reasons: A) It lets you save and then work on things later, and B) It helps eliminate small spelling errors.

Okay. Spartans bones do not normally break. They have that neato ceramic coating that helps against it. One bone break from a tremendou impact (like a jump from a speeding Pelican) I can understand. But not all broken ribs. No, the person would not be dead - but that would be only if they would only be fractured.
Keep things realistic.

Separate that dialogue - from other speech and from normal paragraph text.


Overall, this had some decent potential, but it went by too fast to really get into anything. Slow things down and stuff in more detail. Other than that, just follow the other advice we give you. Good luck.
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