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Malta

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 4:09 pm    Post subject: Malta Reply with quote

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Malta
Posted by Steve (eaglesalltheway2@yahoo.com)
25 February 2005, 11:25 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=steve.0225052325061.html
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 4:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was impressed with this one. The action was fairly fluent, but watch your super marines. Plus, plasma rifles are probably pretty heavy. I don't think Valdez would have been able to dual wield them.
It also got somewhat repititive. Bad guys dropped out of the craft. Good guys shoot the bad guys. Rinse and repeat.
But don't let that get you down. I actually liked it. A lot of the time the action in a lot of stories is dry and un-spectacular, but you nearly described it perfectly.
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Aoxuan
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 5:09 pm    Post subject: Heh Reply with quote

Heh, super marines. Funny term.

Good job Stevey Wonder! LOL, just kiddin'.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 12:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes; what Nick calls "Super Marines," I call "Invinsible Marines." It is basically where you make your Marines too tough. There are a number of different reasons for this:
    A) The author does not want his characters to die, becoming too attached to every one of them instead of just one or two.
    B) The author doesn't want his/her prized main character(s) to die, and so has them last through rediculous odds and ultimately survive through everything.
    C) The author wants the Marines to seem totally bad-ass and so does this by having them kill a lot of enemies, do it quickly, and do so without the slightest casualty.
    D) The author forgets that they are playing through the game as a Spartan, and give normal Marines the abilities that they are used to having.

See? And I could expand each one of those. Always watch out for that. Make your characters seem believable. The difficulty level is a fun thing to toy around with in this case. For Marines, I would stick to Heroic or Normal (depending on the situation: Normal for larger groups of Covenant or smaller groups of Marines, and Heroic for large groups of Marines or small groups of Covenant) - Easy is, well, just too easy; and Legendary is absolute slaughter with normal Marines.

Always spell out those minor numbers. It is not hard to do, and it makes the reading more flow better and look better.

Just as a small detail, those guns that you see lining the bays are not fifties. They're thirty cals. Just a little detail.

Your descriptions tended to move by a little too quickly. And this did two major things to hamper your story. One: it didn't let the reader get a very good idea of things, just skimming over the descriptions; and two: it made things start to get repedetive - with only so much going on, you just described things in the same way, and that starts to get old after a while. Avoid that.

The plot was interesting. Covered what happened to another station. But, there was not a whole lot of creativity in there. You just took what we have all seen from our own battles and took us through it before having the Malta blow up. Get some new and interesting stuff in there to make things different.


Overall, this was prettty good, but could have used some work. Use the advice you are given to improve your next piece and show us what you are really capable of. Good luck.
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Aoxuan
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 1:15 am    Post subject: Duh Reply with quote

You got a point MCC.

Minor note: You spell it "ridiculous." Not "rediculous." Sorry, but spelling is important Cousin of John.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 1:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

All the criticisms that have been voiced I could repeat, but I choose not to.

For an interesting comparision on a similar theme, read the first "Mombassa: after the jump"...it's a different style, obviously, but I have noticed that some writers have paid attention to the Marines left behind...those whose last taste before death was victory.

Just something to ponder. I enjoyed the story. Excellent idea.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 4:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Steve, you need to read about Marine and such. Read my "Anthologies: The Marines and Chief" for a bette-Wait a minute. Dammit, I'm turning into Dave Luck....-r looking at stuff like what MCC and Nick pointed out.
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Spartan-507
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 02, 2005 11:02 pm    Post subject: nice Reply with quote

i barely even started to read it, and it was already awesome. great job.
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Aoxuan
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 02, 2005 11:08 pm    Post subject: Such profanity is not needed in the mighty jurisdiction. Reply with quote

ENS, I think you started to piss Jillybean. Totally. You're in deep $h!7!

Watch out. Wink

Keep on writing ya good ol' pals!
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HoZ
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 04, 2005 3:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

the plasma rifles are quite light actually...
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HELSING
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 05, 2005 2:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well you sure had some emotion... Copy most of what has been already said, except invincible is spelled with a c.

There would only be one high-ranking elite per dropship, even then they wouldn't usually be two in one place. They sure used ammo quick. Also watch having to much going on, and wathcing to many people, at once.
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