HBO Fan Fiction

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SPECTRE: ONI's Answer To The Spartan Program: Chapter 1, Part 1
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher (rabid_masterchief@hotmail.com)
25 February 2005, 3:31 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ens_rabid_ga.0225051531322.html

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 9:34 pm Post subject:

I wanted to try a new style of writing: simpliciy
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"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
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CoLd BlooDed · Posted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 1:09 am Post subject:

Hmm... not bad. Several grammar and spelling errors, but nothing too bad.

I'm interested in where you're taking this, but don't you think John 117 and the other Spartans would be dead 100 years in the future?

And New Alexandria... sounds familar.

Anyways, hurry up and make the next chapter!

Mark Lieberg · Posted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 1:53 am Post subject:

Would Lord Hood actualy act like that? Your story is good and all..but how old exactly is Lord Hood in this story..since he was like fifty in the year 2552 in October 10th....think about that...nearly 80 years old maybe.

It was good, confusing, but great.
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Mark Lieberg
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"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 1:57 am Post subject:

I meant 2561, sorry.
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"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
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MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Simplicity? Well... I don't know. Your descriptions could have been smoother, but still kept simple. You did the infamous "telling instead of showing" thing. Watch that. It just takes away from the flow, and ends up sounding off.

Just as a small tip: Use italics to recognise thoughts. Kind of like you would for a radio transmission. Just brings a sense of distinction to them without putting them in confusing quotation marks.

I love how you are adding a backstory and some good plot material to what started out - seemingly - as just a fun little story. Well done there.

Some errors throughout. So, if you could, just run over things a bit more thoroughly. I like a clean story. Most everyone else does, too.

Overall, this is good, progressing nicely. Just keep an eye out for those mistakes and work hard. This has the potential to be really great. Keep it up.
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-MCC

Caleb the Jackal · Posted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 3:13 am Post subject:

Great stuff.. I liked it. Please dont kill that guys kids or him cause i am already attached. Well If you do I wont stop reading it but still. I really dont want them to die.

Thats all I have to say. This is a solid foundation to future fics

Later,
Caleb

Phædrus · Posted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 3:49 am Post subject:

I agree with Dave. Stories should always be clean. Always remember to put your stories through the washer at least once before submitting.*
Laughing

I can describe this story in one word: Excellante'!

This was very good. I'll review it some more later. Adios.

*Some stories are dry clean only.

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Wow. Now I am MCC and Dave Luck all in one. Odd. I wasn't aware of the change. Wink

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-MCC

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 4:29 am Post subject:

Nick Kang · Posted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 5:27 am Post subject:

Hmm, pretty good. A couple of grammar issues, but nothing big.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 5:38 am Post subject:

That's it, Nick?
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"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
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Nick Kang · Posted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 6:18 am Post subject:

Eh, I'm feelin' lazy.
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Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter.

(Na)Marl · Posted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 7:01 am Post subject:

--It was pretty good, though you over used 'he' in the beginning.

Mark Lieberg · Posted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 8:22 am Post subject:

Oh 2561..then ok makes more sense..but you mean the Covenant battle ended after 10.10.2552?
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Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"