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SPECTRE: ONI's Answer To The Spartan Program: Chapter 1, Par
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 4:09 pm    Post subject: SPECTRE: ONI's Answer To The Spartan Program: Chapter 1, Par Reply with quote

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SPECTRE: ONI's Answer To The Spartan Program: Chapter 1, Part 1
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher (rabid_masterchief@hotmail.com)
25 February 2005, 3:31 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ens_rabid_ga.0225051531322.html
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 9:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I wanted to try a new style of writing: simpliciy
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 1:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm... not bad. Several grammar and spelling errors, but nothing too bad.

I'm interested in where you're taking this, but don't you think John 117 and the other Spartans would be dead 100 years in the future?

And New Alexandria... sounds familar.

Anyways, hurry up and make the next chapter!
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 1:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Would Lord Hood actualy act like that? Your story is good and all..but how old exactly is Lord Hood in this story..since he was like fifty in the year 2552 in October 10th....think about that...nearly 80 years old maybe.

It was good, confusing, but great.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 1:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I meant 2561, sorry.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 3:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Simplicity? Well... I don't know. Your descriptions could have been smoother, but still kept simple. You did the infamous "telling instead of showing" thing. Watch that. It just takes away from the flow, and ends up sounding off.

Just as a small tip: Use italics to recognise thoughts. Kind of like you would for a radio transmission. Just brings a sense of distinction to them without putting them in confusing quotation marks.

I love how you are adding a backstory and some good plot material to what started out - seemingly - as just a fun little story. Well done there.

Some errors throughout. So, if you could, just run over things a bit more thoroughly. I like a clean story. Most everyone else does, too.


Overall, this is good, progressing nicely. Just keep an eye out for those mistakes and work hard. This has the potential to be really great. Keep it up.
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 3:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great stuff.. I liked it. Please dont kill that guys kids or him cause i am already attached. Well If you do I wont stop reading it but still. I really dont want them to die.

Thats all I have to say. This is a solid foundation to future fics


Later,
Caleb
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 3:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Dave. Stories should always be clean. Always remember to put your stories through the washer at least once before submitting.*
Laughing


I can describe this story in one word: Excellante'!

This was very good. I'll review it some more later. Adios.



*Some stories are dry clean only.
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 3:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. Now I am MCC and Dave Luck all in one. Odd. I wasn't aware of the change. Wink
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 4:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Simplicity? Well... I don't know. Your descriptions could have been smoother, but still kept simple. You did the infamous "telling instead of showing" thing. Watch that. It just takes away from the flow, and ends up sounding off.



That's what Simplicity is, MCC. My new writing style.[/code]
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 5:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm, pretty good. A couple of grammar issues, but nothing big.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 5:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's it, Nick?
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 6:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Eh, I'm feelin' lazy.
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(Na)Marl
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 7:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

--It was pretty good, though you over used 'he' in the beginning.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 8:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh 2561..then ok makes more sense..but you mean the Covenant battle ended after 10.10.2552?
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