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Long Time Gone Part 39

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 4:09 pm    Post subject: Long Time Gone Part 39 Reply with quote

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Long Time Gone Part 39
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
25 February 2005, 7:29 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.02250507290939.html
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 4:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There were a few grammar things here and there - like over running sentenses. So, always keep an eye out for that.
Though, I did notice that the majority of your paragraphs had more material in them. That is a good start. Add to that a little, and you'll have it.

In your descriptions, things start to get just a little repedative when you are using names. Mainly because you use just "Chris" and just "Alison" instead of some other term. Try adding some sort of variety in there.

Now, with the operation of that weapon, I would say it would go a bit different. I don't think they would have to switch between modes. It would prob. work like a M203 Grenade Launcher - separate tigger and all. Besides, that way, if a guy was firing at someone down a hall, and a new target jumped him, he wouldn't have to figit with some sort of changer.


Overall, this was good. I am seeing some improvement - so keep it up. Let us see what you are capable of. Good luck.
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Ark Night
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Joined: 30 Nov 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 5:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice fic. Keep up the good work!
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