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The Spartan Wars: Neutral Bomb - Episode III

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 4:08 pm    Post subject: The Spartan Wars: Neutral Bomb - Episode III Reply with quote

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The Spartan Wars: Neutral Bomb - Episode III
Posted by Random 14-Year-Old (i-rule-2008@sbcglobal.net)
25 February 2005, 3:11 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=random_14-ye.0225050311413.html
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thorn
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Joined: 30 Nov 2004
Posts: 23

PostPosted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 7:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was really good, keep it up.
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Fraggio
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Joined: 15 Oct 2004
Posts: 26

PostPosted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 7:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good stuff, I think you're almost putting a little TOO much story into a multiplayer style fan fiction. A little story is good, but it's almost turning into more of a generic campaign story. Keep to the basics. But hell, that's just my opinion. Other than that, good stuff.
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 7:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't forget - storylines and characters are the core of a story.

I haven't read it yet, but I'll say this:

Sometimes action can be used to show off the skills of the author around description - the way a soloist would stand up and show off his or her technique.

But it shouldn't revolve around it entirely.

I'll get to reading.

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 3:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Dave, I was noticing something. Sometimes you leave that kind of post, but then don't follow it up. Maybe you just have just as tight a schedule as I do. Just noticing.

Anyway. Too the story.

Actually, I think adding a plot to something - such as MultiPlayer - that normally has little backbone to it is a good thing. For instance, when Gallagher first started talking about his current series, I thought "Well, this should be good: a nice little tale uncluding us HBOFF folks!". It has, however, developed nicely. As has this. It is not just some kind of random MP fic - it's a story with a purpose.

Some issues with flow and detail level throughout. So work on developing things a bit more and keeping your sentenses smooth reading. Slow things down a bit in the process, as well.

When you were going through the scene with the "substance", I got a feeling of it being almost comical. I hope this wasn't intentional. It wasn't drastic; but it just could have been delivered more solidly, to add more weight to the situation.


Overall, this was pretty good. Nothing all too major to point out - and that is a good thing. Still, keep using the advice you receive. Good luck.
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Random 14-Year-Old
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Joined: 20 Jan 2005
Posts: 81
Location: California

PostPosted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 3:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah...well I'm not one of those authors that can easily show off any great description skills in action scenes. Maybe I can work on that, though.

Aw, the substance scene was comical? Drats. But it doesn't matter, because it WILL end up being comical when you see how it affects him. Anyone who's played a decent amount of online matchmaking will make the connection, at least.

Yeah, thanks to everyone for the advice!
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