HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4352

This topic is for posting comments to:

The Spartan Wars: Neutral Bomb - Episode III
Posted by Random 14-Year-Old (i-rule-2008@sbcglobal.net)
25 February 2005, 3:11 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=random_14-ye.0225050311413.html

thorn · Member Joined: 30 Nov 2004 Posts: 23

That was really good, keep it up.

Fraggio · Member Joined: 15 Oct 2004 Posts: 26

Pretty good stuff, I think you're almost putting a little TOO much story into a multiplayer style fan fiction. A little story is good, but it's almost turning into more of a generic campaign story. Keep to the basics. But hell, that's just my opinion. Other than that, good stuff.

SYSTEM · Posted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 7:53 pm Post subject:

Don't forget - storylines and characters are the core of a story.

I haven't read it yet, but I'll say this:

Sometimes action can be used to show off the skills of the author around description - the way a soloist would stand up and show off his or her technique.

But it shouldn't revolve around it entirely.

I'll get to reading.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Hey Dave, I was noticing something. Sometimes you leave that kind of post, but then don't follow it up. Maybe you just have just as tight a schedule as I do. Just noticing.

Anyway. Too the story.

Actually, I think adding a plot to something - such as MultiPlayer - that normally has little backbone to it is a good thing. For instance, when Gallagher first started talking about his current series, I thought "Well, this should be good: a nice little tale uncluding us HBOFF folks!". It has, however, developed nicely. As has this. It is not just some kind of random MP fic - it's a story with a purpose.

Some issues with flow and detail level throughout. So work on developing things a bit more and keeping your sentenses smooth reading. Slow things down a bit in the process, as well.

When you were going through the scene with the "substance", I got a feeling of it being almost comical. I hope this wasn't intentional. It wasn't drastic; but it just could have been delivered more solidly, to add more weight to the situation.

Overall, this was pretty good. Nothing all too major to point out - and that is a good thing. Still, keep using the advice you receive. Good luck.
_________________
-MCC

Random 14-Year-Old · Member Joined: 20 Jan 2005 Posts: 81 Location: California

Yeah...well I'm not one of those authors that can easily show off any great description skills in action scenes. Maybe I can work on that, though.

Aw, the substance scene was comical? Drats. But it doesn't matter, because it WILL end up being comical when you see how it affects him. Anyone who's played a decent amount of online matchmaking will make the connection, at least.

Yeah, thanks to everyone for the advice!