HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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The Priestess and the Warrior - First Contact
Posted by Jillybean (jbean_gotmuse@yahoo.co.uk)
24 February 2005, 7:28 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=jillybean.02240519280510.html

Bronzemage · Member Joined: 30 Dec 2004 Posts: 100

That was good... very good.

Just a small complaint about the names, it seemed quite hard in the middle of the story to distinguish who was who. The 5 children all got brought in very fast, and you didn't devote much time to explain who they all were.

Just a minor thing Very Happy

Keep it up.

Aoxuan · Member Joined: 04 Feb 2005 Posts: 63 Location: New Jersey

That was amazing as usual. Keep it up.

Was that Wuanna who got killed by Haydez? Too bad.

I like your choice of names. The Sangheli and Jiralhanae names are well distinguished. They are very original. But where did you come up with Yalahass? Laughing

I agree with Bronzemage, on a lesser tone though. Complicated, but readily understood if you're good at keeping up with stories. Orna's children's names are good, but I believe you should devote a little more time on "verifying" their names with the general audience. I understood it perfectly, but like Bronzemage, it could get confusing.

I enjoyed your putting of Humanity into the story. Everything maked sense. Far away, unknown. Harvest...that poor planet.

It seems like Truth is a double "hierarch." Rebel and Covenant, he probably favours Brutes than the Elites. That sucks. Totally.

Great job Jilly. I can't wait to watch the family feud and join in. Love your work, your next part in PatW is sure to be a hit.

The length is great also. Something long to read that is also amazing literature is the best for reading...

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

I've gotta do this: dialogue. Now, I'm not sure why, but I just feel that having Elites not use conjunctions in their speach would just add that "formality" and "professionalism" that I expect from them. Even the kids. Not a big thing, but something that popped into my head.

Mistakes. Didn't take away from the story, but they still were present.

Some parts of this seemed to go by without much detail or emotion. Like, for instance, when 'Wuanna was killed, and when Tartarus acted as he did. Could have been a lot more intense and gripping. Even if you have a lot of material - don't leave out things that could make it better.

Overall, this was a chapter that moved things along quite a bit. Well done. Just keep any suggestions in mind as you write your future chapters. Keep up the great work.
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-MCC

Aoxuan · Member Joined: 04 Feb 2005 Posts: 63 Location: New Jersey

Indeed, the Elites have lost their formality in speech. You did it great in the beginning, but it went down hill. I went with this conclusion:

You either got backtracked and forgot how the Elites believe in honour, or, you did this because Orna and Jalahass have gotten more "affectionate" to each other? If that is so, that's fine.

Minor note MCC: "Speech" not "speach."

Can't believe you killed 'Wuanna! I was a bit curious about that sense of death to a "brother." It wasn't "emotional" if you know what I mean.

Details are great, but you missed some you could of added into the story to make it "adrenaline-filled."

You went pretty far into the story alot now. Make sure you check on those minor but noticeable items in the story for your next chapter(s.) Great job! Keep on goin'.

thedarkfire · Posted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 2:21 am Post subject:

What they said. I audibly chuckled at the cleverness of your writing. Keep it up.

Commander Demitri Wolf · Posted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 5:06 am Post subject: Re: First Contact and -BLAM!-

Commander Demitri Wolf · Posted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 5:12 am Post subject:

Wait just remembered something,

FaithPlusOne · Member Joined: 06 Jan 2005 Posts: 41

Chuckles · Posted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 5:40 pm Post subject:

FaithPlusOne wrote:

Jillybean · Darth Diva Joined: 17 Dec 2004 Posts: 299

You know, the point about PoV's is very interesting. I've always written from a hundred and one PoV's, and never had any complaints. But my editor keeps pointing it out to me, and now you've pointed out. Gah, I can no longer use the "but my readers like it" line.

Aoxuan · Member Joined: 04 Feb 2005 Posts: 63 Location: New Jersey

Jillybean wrote:

Jillybean · Darth Diva Joined: 17 Dec 2004 Posts: 299

That's the way I saw it

There are so many soldiers dying every day in the Brute Covenant war, what's one death? Even if he was loved by Fulsamee, to the Prophets he's just a statistic - I'm happier that the readers are upset of Wuanna's death, rather than hammer it home with lots of sad character moments. Fulsamee's bestest buddy in the whole wide world died, I take it as writ that he's going to be feeling shitty. The readers feel shitty - now that's satisfying.

Aoxuan · Member Joined: 04 Feb 2005 Posts: 63 Location: New Jersey

Darn right ya are Jilly.

'Fulsamee probably saw it as one of his "bestest" friends' death...to start his Great Journey. Remember, he still believed the Prophets.

G'night.

Azrael · Member Joined: 10 Aug 2004 Posts: 504 Location: Boston

Hmmmm, there are two ways about this, as I see it...

First off, I had a secret theory that Wuanna was going to be the white-armored Elite in Halo 2, but I guess THAT got shot to Hell.

Killing off Wuanna was fine. Nothing wrong with bumping off a character, but I think there's many different ways to pull the trigger, and I personally disagree with the way you did this. I know, you don't care. But hear me out.

A sudden death with no warning and no emotion involved is just as tragic as a drawn out death scene (I've done both, I know), in fact, a sudden death may be even MORE effecting since you never see it coming. All the sudden, SLICE, he's done. Horrifying, tragic, you shed a tear. Better than "Cats".

However, you built up Wuanna. You made the reader care. You had him get actively involved in Jalahass and Orna's lives. The reader feels like he has a right to live (at least for a while longer). Or if you're going to kill him, make it more than two sentences. If someone starts skimming, they're going to miss the death, and I think that's something the reader doesn't want to miss. Was it tragic? Yeah. But I think you could have done more about it, really gotten the reader to wail and mourn.

You spoke earlier about the Prophet's seeing the death as a statistic. Yeah, you're right, but you're not writing this story on the Prophets. I know Truth's a major character, but even in Truth doesn't react, I think it's necessary to have Orna react. And if you have Truth react, it's essential to have Orna react. My two cents. Rock on, see you at the pub...snake bites for everyone!
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...now that's some gritty shizzle.