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The Priestess and the Warrior - First Contact
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 4:08 pm    Post subject: The Priestess and the Warrior - First Contact Reply with quote

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The Priestess and the Warrior - First Contact
Posted by Jillybean (jbean_gotmuse@yahoo.co.uk)
24 February 2005, 7:28 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=jillybean.02240519280510.html
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Bronzemage
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 11:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was good... very good.

Just a small complaint about the names, it seemed quite hard in the middle of the story to distinguish who was who. The 5 children all got brought in very fast, and you didn't devote much time to explain who they all were.

Just a minor thing Very Happy Keep it up.
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Aoxuan
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 12:52 am    Post subject: First Contact Reply with quote

That was amazing as usual. Keep it up.

Was that Wuanna who got killed by Haydez? Too bad.

I like your choice of names. The Sangheli and Jiralhanae names are well distinguished. They are very original. But where did you come up with Yalahass? Laughing

I agree with Bronzemage, on a lesser tone though. Complicated, but readily understood if you're good at keeping up with stories. Orna's children's names are good, but I believe you should devote a little more time on "verifying" their names with the general audience. I understood it perfectly, but like Bronzemage, it could get confusing.

I enjoyed your putting of Humanity into the story. Everything maked sense. Far away, unknown. Harvest...that poor planet.

It seems like Truth is a double "hierarch." Rebel and Covenant, he probably favours Brutes than the Elites. That sucks. Totally.

Great job Jilly. I can't wait to watch the family feud and join in. Love your work, your next part in PatW is sure to be a hit.

The length is great also. Something long to read that is also amazing literature is the best for reading...
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 3:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've gotta do this: dialogue. Now, I'm not sure why, but I just feel that having Elites not use conjunctions in their speach would just add that "formality" and "professionalism" that I expect from them. Even the kids. Not a big thing, but something that popped into my head.

Mistakes. Didn't take away from the story, but they still were present.

Some parts of this seemed to go by without much detail or emotion. Like, for instance, when 'Wuanna was killed, and when Tartarus acted as he did. Could have been a lot more intense and gripping. Even if you have a lot of material - don't leave out things that could make it better.


Overall, this was a chapter that moved things along quite a bit. Well done. Just keep any suggestions in mind as you write your future chapters. Keep up the great work.
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Aoxuan
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 27, 2005 4:21 pm    Post subject: First Contact and -BLAM!- Reply with quote

Indeed, the Elites have lost their formality in speech. You did it great in the beginning, but it went down hill. I went with this conclusion:

You either got backtracked and forgot how the Elites believe in honour, or, you did this because Orna and Jalahass have gotten more "affectionate" to each other? If that is so, that's fine.

Minor note MCC: "Speech" not "speach."

Can't believe you killed 'Wuanna! I was a bit curious about that sense of death to a "brother." It wasn't "emotional" if you know what I mean.

Details are great, but you missed some you could of added into the story to make it "adrenaline-filled."

You went pretty far into the story alot now. Make sure you check on those minor but noticeable items in the story for your next chapter(s.) Great job! Keep on goin'.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 2:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What they said. I audibly chuckled at the cleverness of your writing. Keep it up.
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 5:06 am    Post subject: Re: First Contact and -BLAM!- Reply with quote

Aoxuan wrote:
Can't believe you killed 'Wuanna! I was a bit curious about that sense of death to a "brother." It wasn't "emotional" if you know what I mean.
Yes, shame on you. I don't think the Sangheili are that emotional beings, if one of the comerads die they would think of it as an early start on the Great Journey, being part of a religious sect and all. Good job Jilly, tell me if I got that completly wrong bout the thingo.
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 5:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wait just remembered something,
Quote:
"I'll eat your mandibles if you don't leave me alone."
.....what the hell? I just got a bit confused about the whole eating of mandibles.
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FaithPlusOne
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 5:36 am    Post subject: Re: First Contact and -BLAM!- Reply with quote

Commander Demitri Wolf wrote:
Yes, shame on you. I don't think the Sangheili are that emotional beings, if one of the comerads die they would think of it as an early start on the Great Journey, being part of a religious sect and all. Good job Jilly, tell me if I got that completly wrong bout the thingo.

If dying is the start of the great journey, why exactly was the Arbiter and Co. peeved off at the prophets when they found out the halos killed the universe as opposed to being the catalyst for the great journey. That's always been an aspect of Jilly's interpretation of the covenant that I disagree with. I agree with Dimitri on the whole mandible eathing thing, it was weird, that's like saying "I'll eat your mouth" it just sounds strange. Another thing is that I find your method of changing viewpoints between paragraphs to be occasionally confusing, especially since I can't find a consistent method to it. For example when you killed Wuanna and suddenly changed to the brute's point of view. I also thought that important events like that should be better described, if not prolongued.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 5:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

FaithPlusOne wrote:
Quote:
I agree with Dimitri on the whole mandible eathing thing, it was weird, that's like saying "I'll eat your mouth" it just sounds strange.

I thought it was clever. A lot of the phrases that make sense in one culture sound strange or completely nonsensical in another. I was glad to see Jilly giving the Covenant some of their own cultural artifacts, instead of just lending them some of her own. Plus, I think I'd be more scared of getting my mandibles eaten than getting my hide tanned.

Good chapter. Although it was all very well written, I thought the dialogue was especially good. It flowed smoothly, and you felt as though you were listening to a real conversation. Nice.

C.T. Clown
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Jillybean
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 5:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You know, the point about PoV's is very interesting. I've always written from a hundred and one PoV's, and never had any complaints. But my editor keeps pointing it out to me, and now you've pointed out. Gah, I can no longer use the "but my readers like it" line.
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Aoxuan
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 9:18 pm    Post subject: First Contact Reply with quote

Jillybean wrote:
Quote:
Gah, I can no longer use the "but my readers like it" line.

Haha!

Whats with eating mandibles? Hmm, it could be some cannibalistic threat to ward off invaders of personal privacy...

The Wuanna to Haydez was not the best of switches, but was fine. There maybe had been no "emotion" because there was no one to witness the Sangheli's death besides the ugly Brute.

'Guess no one cares about speech Rolling Eyes .
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Jillybean
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 9:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's the way I saw it

There are so many soldiers dying every day in the Brute Covenant war, what's one death? Even if he was loved by Fulsamee, to the Prophets he's just a statistic - I'm happier that the readers are upset of Wuanna's death, rather than hammer it home with lots of sad character moments. Fulsamee's bestest buddy in the whole wide world died, I take it as writ that he's going to be feeling shitty. The readers feel shitty - now that's satisfying.
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Aoxuan
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 01, 2005 4:00 am    Post subject: First Contact Reply with quote

Darn right ya are Jilly.

'Fulsamee probably saw it as one of his "bestest" friends' death...to start his Great Journey. Remember, he still believed the Prophets.

G'night.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 01, 2005 2:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmmm, there are two ways about this, as I see it...

First off, I had a secret theory that Wuanna was going to be the white-armored Elite in Halo 2, but I guess THAT got shot to Hell.

Killing off Wuanna was fine. Nothing wrong with bumping off a character, but I think there's many different ways to pull the trigger, and I personally disagree with the way you did this. I know, you don't care. But hear me out.

A sudden death with no warning and no emotion involved is just as tragic as a drawn out death scene (I've done both, I know), in fact, a sudden death may be even MORE effecting since you never see it coming. All the sudden, SLICE, he's done. Horrifying, tragic, you shed a tear. Better than "Cats".

However, you built up Wuanna. You made the reader care. You had him get actively involved in Jalahass and Orna's lives. The reader feels like he has a right to live (at least for a while longer). Or if you're going to kill him, make it more than two sentences. If someone starts skimming, they're going to miss the death, and I think that's something the reader doesn't want to miss. Was it tragic? Yeah. But I think you could have done more about it, really gotten the reader to wail and mourn.

You spoke earlier about the Prophet's seeing the death as a statistic. Yeah, you're right, but you're not writing this story on the Prophets. I know Truth's a major character, but even in Truth doesn't react, I think it's necessary to have Orna react. And if you have Truth react, it's essential to have Orna react. My two cents. Rock on, see you at the pub...snake bites for everyone!
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