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Assault on Lyon, Prologe.

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 4:07 pm    Post subject: Assault on Lyon, Prologe. Reply with quote

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Assault on Lyon, Prologe.
Posted by Andres (andres_vera2000@yahoo.com)
24 February 2005, 4:59 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=andres.0224051659581.html
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 1:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay.

Well, your descriptions were a tad low. You just relayed the basics, and about nothing more. You told in the place of show. Get some more descriptiveness in there.
Also, your explenations, combined with descriptions, went by pretty fast. This is a prologue, you don't have to rush through things. Slow down and give your reader the information he/she needs to have to make the upcoming series make sense. Don't think you have to rush right into the action. Expand and develop.

Just a little thing, but: "drop ship", in this kind of context, is one word - "dropship". Your spell checker will say it is wrong. Just pay attention to what your spell checker suggests.

I saw quite a few small mistakes throughout. Watch out for those. It looks like you ran it through a word processor, but then like you didn't really read over it all. Do that. Proofreading is very important - don't neglect it.

Your dialogue came across as being a tad flat. Watch that. Add some emotion and character - personality - into your characters. Make them sound and feel human.

"Bombswords"? Heh. Funny. But you don't have to call them that. Just let us know that youare using Longswords with some heavy ordinance. Remember - show, don't tell.


Overall, this was alright, but the speed at which it flew by was kind of distracting. Develop a bit more in the future - slow down. Other than that, just listen to the advice you are given and work hard to improve. Good luck.
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Andres
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 7:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

MC's Cousin wrote:
Your dialogue came across as being a tad flat. Watch that. Add some emotion and character - personality - into your characters. Make them sound and feel human.
Could you tell me where I should do this, ie and example?
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 9:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, let me give it a go.

You wrote:
"Fabian, it is time to go," said the elder with a gentle, comforting voice.
"Why? Its safe here," said Fabian.
"That is exactly why, our friends are fighting, and we are hiding," said the older men.
"Oh," said Fabian shamefully, "where do we go?"
"The church area, there was a good fight there last I hear, lets hope we make it in time."

That was yours. Here's the "improved" version:
I wrote:
"Fabian," whispered the elder of the two, comforting the boy with his soft voice. "It is time to go."
"Why? It's safe here," questioned Fabian, reluctant to move from his place of safety.
"That is exactly why," the older man answered, his face turning more serious. "Our friends are figthing, and we are hiding."
"Oh," said the young man, half mumbling it as he hung his head, the shame starting to press in on him. Of course, the man was right. He had been all too concerned with his own life to even think about how others were fairing, and if they might need his help. "Where do we go?"
"The church area. There was a good fight there last I hear. Let's hope we make it in time," the man urged, offering a smile.

See what I mean in this case. Before, it offered little in the way of detail, and didn't give us much of an idea of their thoughts or feelings. Now, well it doesn't offer much in the way of thoughts, but it does bring a bit more out. Of course, this was just a summed up version of what you should do.
Another example of how you could have brought detail into the scene would have been something like this:
I wrote:
"Fabian, it is time to go," the elderly man spoke quietly, turning to face the youngster he was watching over.
"Why?" Fabian asked, squinting as he opened his eyes, waiting for them to adjust to the morning light. "It's safe here."
"That is exactly why," the older man retorted, looking out from the rocks and onto the city. He didn't turn back as he continued, instead gesturing off into the distance. "Our friends are figthing, and we are hiding."
The young man hung his head towards the ground, shame taking hold of his mind as the words struck. "Oh," he replied, almost a whisper. "Where do we go?"
"The church area," the man replied, rising from his knees to his ankles, grunting from the change of position. "There was a good fight there last I here. Let's hope we make it in time."

See the difference there? More detail about physical stuff. Now, actually, you should probably combine both the emotional and physical to get a better overall feel. But, the level of combination - the mix of elements - is up to you.

Hope that helped. Just ask if you have any other questions.
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Andres
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 9:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nah, that's exactly what I was looking for.
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