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We must fight!

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 11:36 am    Post subject: We must fight! Reply with quote

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We must fight!
Posted by Thomas harrison (K.H@BLUEYONDER.CO.UK)
20 February 2005, 8:03 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=thomas_harri.0220052003571.html
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 1:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Commas are supposed to have spaces after them. Not doing this makes it hard to read. And this is the second time this week someone has spelled 'Covenant,' 'Covernent.'

Also, I didn't see much poem in there. If this was a parody, you have to tell us beforehand, and what song is goes with, so we have a tune to match it up with.
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thorn
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 2:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

OMFG dude this didnt rhyme, and once again you spelleed Covenant Covernent. Poems are hard to do, so im not trying to discourage you but....
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 6:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thorn, please don't. Let's try to be friendly and not use "OMFG" Smile

The commas kid of made me feel like William Shatner saying a poem. TRy to ease up on the puncuation. The thing to remember about poetry is that EVERYTHING counts. Words, punctuation, pattern, everything.

Keep working at it and I can see a promising future.
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Aoxuan
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 10:27 pm    Post subject: The Poem that Didn't Rhyme Reply with quote

Okay...

A parody, right?

I hope so.

That was okay, but it lacked what I call the "Basic Poet's Sense".

Make it rhyme. People these days (not including me) like rhyming poems.

Bye.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 22, 2005 1:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Contary to Aoxuan, you don't have to make it rhyme. They're some great poems out there (even on this site) that do not rhyme. If you read some more of them, you can get the general idea.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 22, 2005 7:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Let me agree with thedarkfire on this one--poems do not have to rhyme.

Well, Thomas, I think you need to have something deeper than a battle cry to draw us into your poem. For me, this was not personal enough. The idea of the Covenant eradicating the human race is scary, but it is hard for us to wrap emotion around it because it is on such a large scale. The idea of the Covenant killing my son, dad, mother, brother, baby, wife etc. is scary and it hits close to home. The bigger concept is fine, but if you don't bring it down to things I can identify with in my everyday life, then the poem is unlikely to have an effect on me.

But hey, that's just my opinion. At the very least try and have more to say if you do another poem. Keep writing.

C.T. Clown
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 22, 2005 8:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank God. Some people realise poem don't have to rhyme, it was ok, again, spend more time working on your poems, these seem like they've just been thrown together quickly.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 22, 2005 10:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

One of my favorite poets is Dylan Thomas. His " Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night" poem actually makes me start yelling out the lines due to it's intnce emotion.

I suggest you read it to help understand real and powerful emotion in a poem.
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Michael Archer
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 22, 2005 10:59 pm    Post subject: story Reply with quote

You spelled "Covanant" wrong.

This should actually be a speech. Not a poem
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 23, 2005 1:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A poem, even though it indeed does not have to rhyme, should have a good flow to it. That means that the punctuation, wording, and structure should all lend to making it more effective.
Now, in this case, one thing, as Chuck pointed out, would have been emotion. You wrote about humans having to fight for their lives and to survive the Covenant (yeah, watch out for mistakes like that). Well, I didn't get a pang of anything at all reading this. It was more like, well, like a monotone speach.
I would suggest going and reading some good poems around here. It will give you a good idea of how people generally do things. Then, once you have practiced some more and gotten your basics, you can start doing some major things of your own.


Overall, this was a decent effort, but it does need work in terms of writing. So, use the advice you are given, and work to improve your writing. We'll notice. So, good luck; and have fun.
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 23, 2005 2:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I suggest reading my "War of Attrition". It got high praise from Dave Luck and the other members. It should give you an idea of what to do in a poem.
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