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Long Time Gone Part 38

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 11:36 am    Post subject: Long Time Gone Part 38 Reply with quote

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Long Time Gone Part 38
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
20 February 2005, 6:31 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.02200506313238.html
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 8:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Phew! Part 38. You sure have kept this going. Though, there is one thing I would suggest for your stories in the future:
You can use the same characters in a different series. Actually, ending one part of your story, and then starting a new series can do more than one thing. A) It can reduce that chapter number; B) It can bring a fresh "new-ness" feel to the story; and C) It can sit more independently.
So, think about that next time you decide to dedicate yourself to one cast of characters and a certain storyline. You don't have to give it up.

Anyway. Onto the story itself.

I like how you are going into describing things for us. It expands things. However, in your explenation, I think you could have used a bit more material. Your paragraphs seemed like just brief little things, though you continued the subject for a bit. So, keep with the feel and give us a good meaty explenation of your subject.
For an example, look in some of Clancy's work. Now, while he only writes a certain type of fiction, he does go to explain and exfoliate on many of his subjects. Try to do that too.

Details. You remain a tad sparse on them. What you have is almost like a skeleton of a story - but with some connective tissue on them, and skin covering it all. Now, while it looks okay, it could still use some meat in there to fill up the space; to make things fuller and deeper.
Do that. Describe more in your scenes. Give us a better picture of what is going on.

Always remember to spell out those minor numbers. That list was fine, but then youput a "3" in the actual text. Watch that.

Now, perhaps this is just a personal preference, but in the books and most other places, people refer to the Office of Naval Intelligence as "ONI." Not "the ONI." It just sounds cleaner if you use it as a group in speach.


Overall, it was pretty good. But, do keep working. Put as much effort as you can into your writing. Believe me - it shows. Keep it up.
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Aoxuan
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 10:30 pm    Post subject: Part 38 Reply with quote

Jeez. Part 38? Whew, to keep something going on that long.

Sergeant is spelled Sergeant, not Sargeant.

Nice, basic story. Really.,

What happened to your romance? LOL, just kidding.

Keep on going!
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 10:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Maybe I should have had my name as grylsy... hmmm

Sergeant.. Right, WinWord puts it as Sargeant for me...

Um, yeah, lol @ part 38, well if people won't remember the actual storyline, they will remember it is one long bastard of a story Very Happy

I was thinking about breaking it up MCC but the title of the story is important in how the story ends, trust me..

Also anyone else noticed these parts keep getting longer and longer... Um, parts left, I'd say almost 15-20 Shocked

I thought I would have finished it now but the whole romance thing took up abit and the training, but the training was important in making sure you understood the background from which the Shock Troopers came from (they still have a role to play so shhhh.).

Um, the romance is still there, they just hate to kill alot of people...
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Fraggio
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 11:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Indeed, part 38, that's saying something right there. That was a great story (as usual) but there was one thing I noticed. When he sent a list of ammunitions and supplies into his HUD I noticed you didn't mention any of the M6C's that they were using. Just caught that and bugged me a bit. But, good story, keep it up!
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 22, 2005 2:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
“And everyone has a side arm with 3 mags, minimum, unless anyone has used them?” Said Floyd looking over the squad.


I put it there because by default, no one should have used their hand gun as they should have had sufficient primary ammo....
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 22, 2005 2:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's fine. Modern novels somtimes have upwards of 50 chapters. So, no biggy. Though, I do think you could have made some more defined switches from one part of the series to the next. Like started half-anew; training, premissions, all that stuff. Could have been broken up - the same series, but not seeming as dauntingly continuous.
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Fraggio
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 22, 2005 2:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

fallschirm wrote:
Quote:
“And everyone has a side arm with 3 mags, minimum, unless anyone has used them?” Said Floyd looking over the squad.


I put it there because by default, no one should have used their hand gun as they should have had sufficient primary ammo....


Oh, ok. Whoops.
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 22, 2005 6:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

MC's Cousin wrote:
That's fine. Modern novels somtimes have upwards of 50 chapters. So, no biggy. Though, I do think you could have made some more defined switches from one part of the series to the next. Like started half-anew; training, premissions, all that stuff. Could have been broken up - the same series, but not seeming as dauntingly continuous.


I started this story... 3 August 2003, half way through Year 8.

Year 10 now and I lvoe writing, mainly thanks to you MCC, you were the only person who read it and said anything about it until it started getting 'interesting'

I didn't really think about breaking it up, I wasn't thinking that far ahead with it.

But when I finish it I intend to go back over the whole story, fix it all up and bring it upto the standards which it will be in the ending chapters and fix up alot of errors and stuff..

Also thank Fern who was the girl who inspired the whole story to begin with, I based Alison off her and she is actualy reading the series. Now she is hounding me every day for the next part. lol.

But still a good half a years work here I reckon.
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alison
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 22, 2005 8:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hey, im fern... or alison...

it'd be great if you guys could give grylsy a bit of support. its great that you can give construcitve criticism... but keep it that way. tearing him down won't do anyone good. you might also find it has a bit more impact on you if you read it all at once. i read it in two sittings, and i was crying both times, so put away your love of violence and analytical mind for a few moments and allow yourself to be carried in the emotion behind all of his writing.

just give him a break... and think about how you would feel if people were always on your case about the way you write, even if you were trying your best and telling you it is never good enough?!?

lay off him a bit, or make it constructive. thanks guys Very Happy anyone with a spare five minutes feel free to get on his case for the next part though, that wouldn't go astray.[/u]
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 23, 2005 12:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, you sound like someone I know. Oh well.

I won't go and explain this to you, because you can jsut go ask your friend here why people like me comment. I don't tear him down. I give him advice. Besides, if you think that was a big comment, go and look at some of my others.

Don't worry about that five minutes thing. I think I have enough of that.


Anyway. Can I have a . . . nevermind.
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