HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4352

This topic is for posting comments to:

Long Time Gone Part 38
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
20 February 2005, 6:31 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.02200506313238.html

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Phew! Part 38. You sure have kept this going. Though, there is one thing I would suggest for your stories in the future:
You can use the same characters in a different series. Actually, ending one part of your story, and then starting a new series can do more than one thing. A) It can reduce that chapter number; B) It can bring a fresh "new-ness" feel to the story; and C) It can sit more independently.
So, think about that next time you decide to dedicate yourself to one cast of characters and a certain storyline. You don't have to give it up.

Anyway. Onto the story itself.

I like how you are going into describing things for us. It expands things. However, in your explenation, I think you could have used a bit more material. Your paragraphs seemed like just brief little things, though you continued the subject for a bit. So, keep with the feel and give us a good meaty explenation of your subject.
For an example, look in some of Clancy's work. Now, while he only writes a certain type of fiction, he does go to explain and exfoliate on many of his subjects. Try to do that too.

Details. You remain a tad sparse on them. What you have is almost like a skeleton of a story - but with some connective tissue on them, and skin covering it all. Now, while it looks okay, it could still use some meat in there to fill up the space; to make things fuller and deeper.
Do that. Describe more in your scenes. Give us a better picture of what is going on.

Always remember to spell out those minor numbers. That list was fine, but then youput a "3" in the actual text. Watch that.

Now, perhaps this is just a personal preference, but in the books and most other places, people refer to the Office of Naval Intelligence as "ONI." Not "the ONI." It just sounds cleaner if you use it as a group in speach.

Overall, it was pretty good. But, do keep working. Put as much effort as you can into your writing. Believe me - it shows. Keep it up.
_________________
-MCC

Aoxuan · Member Joined: 04 Feb 2005 Posts: 63 Location: New Jersey

Jeez. Part 38? Whew, to keep something going on that long.

Sergeant is spelled Sergeant, not Sargeant.

Nice, basic story. Really.,

What happened to your romance? LOL, just kidding.

Keep on going!

fallschirmjager · Posted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 10:44 pm Post subject:

Maybe I should have had my name as grylsy... hmmm

Sergeant.. Right, WinWord puts it as Sargeant for me...

Um, yeah, lol @ part 38, well if people won't remember the actual storyline, they will remember it is one long bastard of a story Very Happy

I was thinking about breaking it up MCC but the title of the story is important in how the story ends, trust me..

Also anyone else noticed these parts keep getting longer and longer... Um, parts left, I'd say almost 15-20 Shocked

I thought I would have finished it now but the whole romance thing took up abit and the training, but the training was important in making sure you understood the background from which the Shock Troopers came from (they still have a role to play so shhhh.).

Um, the romance is still there, they just hate to kill alot of people...
_________________
We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.

Will you keep my secrets hope to die?

Fraggio · Member Joined: 15 Oct 2004 Posts: 26

Indeed, part 38, that's saying something right there. That was a great story (as usual) but there was one thing I noticed. When he sent a list of ammunitions and supplies into his HUD I noticed you didn't mention any of the M6C's that they were using. Just caught that and bugged me a bit. But, good story, keep it up!

fallschirmjager · Posted: Tue Feb 22, 2005 2:18 am Post subject:

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

That's fine. Modern novels somtimes have upwards of 50 chapters. So, no biggy. Though, I do think you could have made some more defined switches from one part of the series to the next. Like started half-anew; training, premissions, all that stuff. Could have been broken up - the same series, but not seeming as dauntingly continuous.
_________________
-MCC

Fraggio · Member Joined: 15 Oct 2004 Posts: 26

fallschirmjager · Posted: Tue Feb 22, 2005 6:01 am Post subject:

alison · Member Joined: 22 Feb 2005 Posts: 1

hey, im fern... or alison...

it'd be great if you guys could give grylsy a bit of support. its great that you can give construcitve criticism... but keep it that way. tearing him down won't do anyone good. you might also find it has a bit more impact on you if you read it all at once. i read it in two sittings, and i was crying both times, so put away your love of violence and analytical mind for a few moments and allow yourself to be carried in the emotion behind all of his writing.

just give him a break... and think about how you would feel if people were always on your case about the way you write, even if you were trying your best and telling you it is never good enough?!?

lay off him a bit, or make it constructive. thanks guys Very Happy

anyone with a spare five minutes feel free to get on his case for the next part though, that wouldn't go astray.[/u]

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Hey, you sound like someone I know. Oh well.

I won't go and explain this to you, because you can jsut go ask your friend here why people like me comment. I don't tear him down. I give him advice. Besides, if you think that was a big comment, go and look at some of my others.

Don't worry about that five minutes thing. I think I have enough of that.

Anyway. Can I have a . . . nevermind.
_________________
-MCC