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The Priestess and the Warrior - Underground
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 11:36 am    Post subject: The Priestess and the Warrior - Underground Reply with quote

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The Priestess and the Warrior - Underground
Posted by Jillybean (jbean_gotmuse@yahoo.co.uk)
19 February 2005, 11:32 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=jillybean.0219052332359.html
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Aoxuan
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 3:39 pm    Post subject: PatW- Underground Reply with quote

Darn Truth. And Regret. Mercy is just a fool... LOL!

Very nice Jilly, very nice. I noticed some grammar mistakes, but not exactly ones that were out standing. I like your plot alot. Very much. It is delicate, but brings in so much into the history of the Covenant (well, sort of.)

Maybe you should of added something about the fight, beside the proud Hope Squadron. Less detail, but it was fine. Your detail brings character into Orna' and Jalahass in a good, emotional way. I like your choice of verbs, adjectives, adverbs, and phrases.

I was not aware that the Covenant (before the civil war at least) had a unit system with SQUADRON. A squadron is mostly used with Air/Space combat units. Maybe platoon would work, but that name has no "Honour" in it. Squad is obvious, yet that is not a unit with 50. More like 4-9 (US-9, Spec Ops-4.) Air Force squadrons are about 5-10 planes. I'm not as strong on Air than Infantry.

I believe Orna is a Zealot right now? Not the High Commander of the Fleet "Partical Justice?" (Sorry if I spelled it wrong.)

Good job Jillybean. I can't wait for the next story in "The Priestess and the Warrior." Can't wait for the next Godsend also.

PS: First post!
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Berconius
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 4:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, "squadron" in terms of a spaceborne military has yet to be defined anyway, so whatever an author want to make it is fine, right? I've always wondered how many ships are in a naval squadron. As far as I know, an Airforce squadron is 8, and 4 is a flight. But that might also vary between different countries, not to mention races. In short: Anything goes!

Anyway, to the story. I think I saw some of those grammatical mistakes, too, but nothing worth making a fuss about.

Congratulations on making Regret as hateable as Truth...yealgh. Speaking of which, that was a nice opening with the sandbath description. It's like starting the chapter with a cupcape to the face. A cupcake made of sand and a smelly Prophet.

The orphan underground was interesting, even though I can't quite see the importance of it just yet. I thought Orna HAD a family but they were just undistinguished.

Well, all in good fun.
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Covie_Lover
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 6:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jillybean, great story. You did a great job of making Truth a jackass. This is why I hate politics. It's sickening. Bah.

Do not... Just kidding!

Good Job!
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 6:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey covie_lover, your back!

I see you actually used blaspheme instead of blasphemy. I always win in the end. Wink

I do have a grammar point possibly in question. When you say "The Hope Squadron were...", I do believe that since it it is a single squad instead of refferring to the members that "was" is the proper word. Can anyone back that (MCC?)?

Beautiful as always Jilly.
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Jillybean
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 7:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, blaspheme is obviously the right choice in that context. I'm still not convinced about the other times.

Glad you all liked it, it took me AGES to write, complete writers block. I didn't have the energy to even read it over once, so I expect there to be a few mistakes Smile
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 7:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I've come to learn that pointing small mistakes out to Jilly doesn't do anything. So, while I still will say "Yeah, some small mistakes here and there; so watch out for those" I won't point out specifics.
However; what thedarkfire says is true. Since it was refering to a single group, it would be "was" instead of "were." Now, if it said "The members of the Hope Squadron were..." it would have been fine.
Anyway - keen eyes (Anybody even play Captain Keen?).

"A seat on the Heirarch"? Umm, well, maybe I took that wrong, but it didn't sound quite right to me. I thought it should have been either "A seat as a Heirarch" or "a seat in the High Council." But, heirarch would be a term for the person (Hence; "A Heirach is dead, Commander." -Truth).
But, maybe that is just how I take things.

Hmm. Some little bits of the dialogue struck me as . . . human. Nothing big, and it helped to understand things. But, you know me and my traditional qualm.


Overall, very nice, as usual. Didn't get bored a bit. Keep up the excellent work.
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Covie_Lover
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 7:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thedarkfire wrote:
Hey covie_lover, your back!


Confused Did I ever leave? Why wasn't I told about this?
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Jillybean
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 8:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Hierarch is a system of rulership, and in this context is used like the word Council.

A seat on the Council
A seat on the Hierarch

It's a Covenant grammar term. Razz
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 8:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Making stuff up again just to defend yourself Jilly. : Laughing

I could hae sworn you havent posted in a while covie. Or maybe I just overlooked them.
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Covie_Lover
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 8:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm always here. You jsut don't always see me.

*stabs darkfire in the back*

MUAHAHHA
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 8:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

OT!!!
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Aoxuan
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 8:47 pm    Post subject: Underground Reply with quote

Yippee. Family Feud.

I disagree with Jilly for once. I sit on the Hierach! A seat on the Hierach. In that case, you'd be sitting ON Truth rather than BESIDE Truth. Or is this conspiracy? Wink

Like the MCC, some phrases by the characters are rather humanish. I tend to see that the Sangheli's way of speech is most noble and honourable, and less freestyle like most humans' in HALO.

Jillybean wrote:
Quote:
A Hierarch is a system of rulership, and in this context is used like the word Council.


When you said that Jilly, you were saying that a being on a council is called a council! A Hierarch is like a Sovereign, just you can't use it a flexibly. You can sovereign people, but you can't hierarch people. Would not someone called a Hierarch be part of the Hierarchy?

Go to this site: http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=hierarch

A Hierarchy is like a Monarchy in ways.
The Hierarch is part of the Hierarch.
The Monarch is part of the Monarchy.

Enough on this topic for now.
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Sgt Scope077
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 8:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

10/10 Bravo. Add more action and fighting next time though.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 9:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sgt Scope077 wrote:
10/10 Bravo. Add more action and fighting next time though.

Scope, part of what makes this series good is that Jilly does not fill it with excessive action or combat. It is not needed to make a story good. Fighting is only one element in an overall build of a story. And it is not one that is needed to holw things up. Though it can jazz stuff up.
I've said that many times. People think you need action to have a good story. Well, here's the proof folks; you don't.
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