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The Spartan Wars: Neutral Bomb - Episode II

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 18, 2005 2:17 pm    Post subject: The Spartan Wars: Neutral Bomb - Episode II Reply with quote

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The Spartan Wars: Neutral Bomb - Episode II
Posted by Random 14-Year-Old (i-rule-2008@sbcglobal.net)
16 February 2005, 7:13 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=random_14-ye.0216050713222.html
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Fraggio
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 18, 2005 10:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I like the first one and I enjoyed the second one just as well if not better. I saw no grammatical errors and it was nice to have a little history on what was going on. Well put together, I enjoyed it.

Now... *Ahem* All clear the way for MC's Cousin!!! *Bows down*
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 19, 2005 12:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm MCC's recon unit, so you'll have to wait for me to scope out the area before He comes.

Anyway, it was much better than the first, and even though I've never even played a game of plant the bomb or whatever it's called, I still had a firm idea of what was happening. I found it a little far-fetched that the Red could get killed by a single kick to the back, though. I wonder who could have betrayed the Reds? I can't wait to see what happens next!
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 19, 2005 4:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah . . . there's a smudge on this red carpet. You know what that means Twisted Evil ...

No; but seriously, good job Recon-One. Well done. But, now it's time to apply some force.

To the story!


I liked how you made things bigger - added perspective like. But, you could have included more. For instance, you only mentioned Cole and Keyes as Navy masterminds winning great victories. Were they the only ones in over a hundred years? Surely there were more. So, create some other names that we need to know in your story. Think deeper into the backstory you create.

Another story related thing is that you have this set a hundred years in the future, and yet you only have Spartan-IIIs. Well, at least from what we have been told, CPO Mendez went out to train Spartan-IIIs. So, naturally, one would assume that: a) a more advanced group of Spartans was being trained, or b) there was an entirely new project in progress possibly based on the Spartan program. Always think about those kinds of details.
And while, like I said, I do like how you made an effort to make your story more indepth, you could have thought it out a bit more to make it more encompassing. Keep that in mind.

Ooh. The romance thing. Now, you only touched on it, but I would still urge you to be very careful how you incorporate that. No extreme romance deals or anything. Future or not, you are tagging these guys as Spartans. Even if they did not have a supressed sexual drive, they are far too professional to have "crushes." Loving admiration perhaps; but something more mature than crushes. You get over that term in about your second or third year of high school.

Details. Yours were better, but you were still leaning towards telling us. For instance, instead of:
You wrote:
Two red X's appeared on Max's HUD at the locations where Billy and Bob were just sniped.

Add some detail in there, and make it seem like the players don't have "[person (and person)] were sniped by [person]". More like:
Me wrote:
Two bright red X's flashed across the upper edge of Max's HUD, accompanying the clip-load of sniper cracks audible from the outside of the base. It could be safely assumed that Billy and Bob had just been sniped by the enemy.

And even that is still a bit too casual. So, try to change things around in that way.

You had Max die. When he was right next to that Red. Always consider collateral damage. Single person is not gonna just absorb a rocket.


Overall, this was pretty good. A great improvement. So, just use the advice you are given to improve. Good luck; and keep it up.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 19, 2005 4:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Interesting story. This was one of the few, if not only, stories that make multiplayer look plausible.

Work on making a little more descriptions about the people themselves. Make some backround about them. That'll add some depth to the story.

Some flow problems and grammar but otherwise it was pretty good. Keep working.
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Random 14-Year-Old
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 20, 2005 1:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now that I look back on it, I think I also could've made that little hand-to-hand skirmish a bit more detailed. I guess I was so intent on getting it all done before I went to bed that I overlooked further detail additions. Rolling Eyes

Hmm... Character background... yes... hadn't thought of that...

Aha! I totally forgot about Mendez! So he went off to train his own Spartans, eh? Interesting...

Yep, considering I'm still in my first year of high school, there's still a select few of nerds n geeks that still use the word "crush". By the way, you can expect some serious chemistry going on between Max and his girl...hehe Wink
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 20, 2005 7:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Random 14-Year-Old wrote:
Yep, considering I'm still in my first year of high school, there's still a select few of nerds n geeks that still use the word "crush". By the way, you can expect some serious chemistry going on between Max and his girl...hehe Wink


"Get out of my way you stupid freshman!!"

Yeah, I can remember saying that.


As for Max and his girl: Watch it. Be careful how you do it. Nothing more than feelings and perhaps sharing there of. Making out - no. Sexual contact - hell no. Remember, these are Spartans; not teenagers like you.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 20, 2005 9:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
"Get out of my way you stupid freshman!!"


I still do say that.
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 3:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

MC's Cousin wrote:
"Get out of my way you stupid freshman!!"


I wish I could say that. Crying or Very sad
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 4:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

HAHA. Your a freshman aren't you? Very Happy
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Random 14-Year-Old
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 8:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Haha, I won't include any serious love or anything, but imagine if I did?

"Louis peered his sniper rifle into the dark cave near Blue Base and found... a couple of lovers??!!"
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 8:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thedarkfire wrote:
HAHA. Your a freshman aren't you? Very Happy


Maybe...perhaps...no. Eigth grader.
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