russ687
Member
Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
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 Posted: Fri Feb 25, 2005 4:48 pm Post subject: |
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Yawwwnnn.
1. You need to format your story. This includes use of the CODE.
2. You need to work on your writing, as the descriptions were nonexistant and the style was very much like a lazy report. You can't just write and tell what happened, but like everyone at HBO here would say, you have to show us what happened. There's a big difference.
3. GPS.
| Quote: | | The rebels consist of the Elites, Grunts, and Hunters, also a new sub species of Elites that are similar to the dragons found on the seventh Halo, they are called Onaga's, because the Japanese POA member, Lieutenant Hikowa, discovered them. |
What? This made little sense. First off, if you have discovered the 'seventh Halo' this would have to be in the future (or later then Halo-04), and the Pillar of Autumn was destoryed on Halo-04. How then could your 'Japanese' Lieutenant discover this dragon-like race?
| Quote: | | After two treaties, the Rebels are our allies. |
That was so vague it was almost confusing. Ok, so now Humans and your 'rebellious' Covenant are buddies? How did this conspire? What events provoked them to ally with Humans? And, most importantly, why?
| Quote: | | Dr. Halsey, who was presumed dead, actually went into cryo sleep during the time of TFOR in an underground station. This station was well protected, not even the plasma torpedos were able to penetrate the base. |
Ok, this is just wrong (did you read the books?). Halsey was on Reach, but extracted with the surviving Spartans and Whitcombe...she was never in cryo-sleep. Where are you getting these facts?
| Quote: | The new armor, Mark VII, is based off of the Onaga armor system, the closest thing to the Forerunner armor.
The Master Cheif, Spartan John-117, lay awake on a steel bed in a dreary, olive-drab room. |
Ok, that whole armor thing I wouldn't buy, but let's not even get into that. You switch from a historical narrative viewpoint to a present narrative stance when you start describing John's current situation. You need to break your stuff up, also known as formatting (Google it sometime).
| Quote: | | He loaded a clip into the MA5B AR, then took down the SS2 AM SR. |
Ok, so we're onto Halo-07, it's well into Halo 2's story-line, and a Spartan is still weilding an MA5B? Dispite much controversy, almost everyone (especially including the Spartans) got new weapons, one of them known as the BR55 which replaced the old assault rifle. I'm trying to figure out how this worked...
I could quote the entire story and bring up stuff, but I don't have the time. I'm not trying to be mean or offend you, but there was just too much wrong with this. You need to get your facts together and work on proper writing. In order for this series to succeed, you need to really put some thought into it and find someone here to give you a hand.
That little AN at the ending wasn't too encouraging either. Don't use AN.
Keep trying... 
-Russ |
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