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Out of the fire into the inferno (part four)

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 15, 2005 1:45 pm    Post subject: Out of the fire into the inferno (part four) Reply with quote

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Out of the fire into the inferno (part four)
Posted by KAMIKAZE343 (str8_kamikaze343@yahoo.com)
14 February 2005, 7:41 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=kamikaze343.0214051941374.html
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sam_fisha
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 15, 2005 6:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good, but it seemed you were putting his thoughts in the naration, thats okay but try using italics instead. Smile
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 9:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay. I'll help you tune up some small stuff:
One - "Long sword" is actually one word. It's a ship, and thus a single noun; "Longsword." Now, this might have been the work of a spellcheck. That is why you have to pay attention to what it lights up. Any words that are made up, and even some last names, will not register in a spell checker.
Two - When you are writing out numbers, connect them with hyphens. Like, instead of "one hundred forty", do "one-hundred-forty." Not a big thing, but it does keep things together that need to be.

Watch your flow a bit. Organize your text more, and watch that wording. You want your writing to be smooth and fluid. This was kind of jerky, and went by too fast.

Your tense was a little odd, too. Try Third Person Omnipotent. You were using more of a present tense thing. Now, while that can be good, and allow the feel of First Person without the perspective changes, it can also be extremely tricky. So, just stick to a constant that is comfortable. Check out some stories around here to see how they narrate through things.

Always keep that dialoge separated up. Treat each new line of it as a new paragraph. It is easier to follow and understand. Keep that in mind.

Prophets. Not Profits. Those are two different words.

Watch those transitions. You jumped from the human PoV right to your Covie one. Make the transition more obvious - add an extra space or something. But don't just continue on as if it is no different.

HEVs are not used by Navy personel. They are used by ODSTs (exceptions being Spartans - also Elite soldiers). But they would not be used as escape pods. That is what Bumblebees are for.


Overall, this was pretty decent. Just go check out my comment on chap three as well, and use the advice you are given to improve. Good luck.
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