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Out of the fire into the inferno (part three)

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 15, 2005 1:45 pm    Post subject: Out of the fire into the inferno (part three) Reply with quote

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Out of the fire into the inferno (part three)
Posted by KAMIKAZE343 (str8_kamikaze343@yahoo.com)
14 February 2005, 7:31 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=kamikaze343.0214051931273.html
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sam_fisha
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Joined: 21 Dec 2004
Posts: 300
Location: A gutter

PostPosted: Tue Feb 15, 2005 5:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good, could use a bit more description.

Good job on caping the proper nouns but you missed a few.

Keep it up.
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 9:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now, while it is not a bad thing to thank people, I must say this. Author's Notes are just not necissary in a story. For thank-yous and stuff, just write that here as a post. It's not a big thing, and won't really affect the story in the way you do it.

Quote:
PRIMIDEUS IV
April,4 2553 1200hrs(MilitaryCalender)
IN ORBIT AROUND PRIMIDEUS

Well, first of all, I would encourage you to use the Code. Your story still does not include it. So, try to incorporate that.
What does that have to do with that quoted heading? Well, one thing that you can use bolding for is to make your headings stand out from the normal text.
Next. You said "PIMIDEUS IV" initially. Well, that would be the designation of a single planet. But, then, on your third line, you said "IN ORBIT AROUND PRIMIDEUS". PRIMIDEUS what? Its a small thing, but important to get right.

I noticed quite a few small mistakes plaguing your story. Proofread a lot, and do so thoroughly. It will improve the overall quality of things. The small things add up.

Always make sure to cap those proper nouns. Ranks, names (of people and ships, and all those other things you have been told about. Its not hard to do, and it does make a difference.

That outburst was kind of odd. I could understand strain and yelling, but not a direct death threat. That is a bit too far - not to mention extremely unprofessional.

Details. You need more details. Sure, you gave us the basics, but you didn't get a good picture into our heads. Work hard to achieve that. And, don't just tell us what people are saying or doing, show us with descriptions. It will make the story that much more understandable and vivid.


Overall, this was an improvement, but you still need to keep working hard on your writing. Continue to use the advice you are given, and strive to improve. Good luck; and have fun.
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