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The Enemy Within-Chapter Nineteen: Benedictions of the Mind
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 11, 2005 11:08 am    Post subject: The Enemy Within-Chapter Nineteen: Benedictions of the Mind Reply with quote

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The Enemy Within-Chapter Nineteen: Benedictions of the Mind
Posted by Mind_Affecting_Parasite (pbplayer_24@yahoo.com)
11 February 2005, 2:56 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mind_affecti.02110502561519.html
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Mind_Affecting_Parasite
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 11, 2005 11:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Phew! Finally, I have gotten around to posting. It has been too long.

Sorry about this delay (since October for this series). School is a killer. Four homework classes this semester - gives me about four hours of the stuff in one night. But, I got around to things.

Sorry about the length of this, also. I felt that since I had waited so long, this should have been longer. Hopefully this is worth it. And I do plan to write another as soon as possible.


Ah, now I must ask a question again: If anyone has information on the weaponry and make-up of Cruisers, Frigates, Destroyers, and Carriers (Human and Covenant), please let me know what you do. Like, what their purposes are, and what kind of weaponry/armor they posses. Just some details that I need for my other series. Thanks.

(A big ups to (ENS) Rabid Gallagher for answering my questions so thoroughly last time!! Very Happy )

I must be going now. Happy reading!
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 11, 2005 2:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Halo Library has just about everything you could ever want in terms of specs. I think the link for it is on HBO somewhere...

here it is. http://library.psyjnir.net/

good luck
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 11, 2005 2:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it. It wasn't a immediate favorite for me like Azrael's or Chuckle's stories, but it was still good.
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MasterSushi
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 11, 2005 4:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahh yes... The Halo Library...
The best and most wondrous place for Halo
info in allllllll of Halo-dom.

Anyway, as always MAP, a very good
piece of work. Very Happy I always enjoy reading your
stuff, even though I don't think I reveiw them
much Very Happy

Quote:
(A big ups to (ENS) Rabid Gallagher for answering my questions so thoroughly last time!! )

Oh no I remember that. Pages and pages on the stuff.
If Mark L needs any proof that Gall's in the Marines then
there it is. Smile [/i]
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 11, 2005 9:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good look into that Sergeant's mind. I didn't get a bid emotional feeling out of it, so you might add a bare touch more of emotional references, but I did get a good idea of the situation. But, you did stretch it out quite a bit. Not a bad thing, as I didn't get bored with it, but it was nearly half the whole story.

I find your use of flow interesting. You seem to mix different elements of it throughout. One moment, you have smooth and clean, and the next, a harsher feel. However, it does lend itself to the moment; which is a good thing.

I must admit that I could barely remember what was happening. Most of everthing made sense, but I just started to wonder what I had read about how this all started and what led up to it. Don't keep us waiting so long next time Wink .


Overall, this was pretty darned good. This is good work; but, it still could use some tweaking here and there - never stop striving to improve your work. Keep it up; and good luck.
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HELSING
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 12, 2005 1:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good story, it got kinda confusing when you switched between the two Elites.

Also when you say,"It was at this moment that the senior Master of the Gravity Lift Embarkation Room decided on his next action." You might want to call him something else, his title is really long-winded, try something just like, lift master, or even Senior lift master, and then tell us where he is in the next sentence.

Other than that it was a great read. Keep it up.[/quote]
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Mind_Affecting_Parasite
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 12, 2005 2:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Coolio. I'll go check that site out whenever I start work on the next chapter of Halo: Stealth Combat Evolved.

HELSING: Yeah, I noticed that when I read through it. Since they are both in the same area and have similar names and were both in pain. I thought about switching to the gravity lift room first, but then I thought the reader might think I was talking about the same Elite back on the ground level of things. So I kept it like it was.
The Elite's title that was in the lift room was done like that for a reason. I suppose you don't know this because you did not read the previous chapters (I would recommend you do that if you want to get the most out of this), but that dead Elite I mentioned was the Elite that was in charge of the lift previously, before he was replaced. I don't want to explain it here, so just go check the previous stuff if you are really interested.


Thanks guys for your comments. Each one means a lot to me and I look forward to more. I hope I can deliver the next chapter more quickly than this last time. MAP out.
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Covie_Lover
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 12, 2005 2:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ow. That must really suck, to be laying in a puddle of your own excrement and blood. For a long time. Ewwwww. Poor 'Lashowagee...

Great chapter, so far though. I'm going to read the series now, so Ta-ta!

*Arnie accent*
I'll be back!
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Aoxuan
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 12, 2005 2:28 am    Post subject: The Story by MAP Reply with quote

Nice story. You actually use the correct format also!
sam_fisha(no offence dude, just an example)=
blah

blah

blah and so on

Real pros in writing=

indent-blah
indent-blah
indent-blah and so on

It's great! The story kind of lost my attention a bit because lack of detail or too much detail (SUPER RARE.) I think you should put more descriptive words and action verbs in. The potential in the story is high.

Unfortunately, I have a feeling you're trying to put some Forunner history into the story. When you do, it's put in a boring, plain way. Bring life into your stories; it will make you grand.

Great overall. Maybe not as good as Jilly, but near her quality. Keep it going!
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Mind_Affecting_Parasite
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 12, 2005 2:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm glad I got you interested.

Just incase anyone is confused, let me explain: 'Lashowagee is the Back [Special Operations] Apprentice Field Master who cannot move and is near the loosing battle; 'Lshowee is the Elite who is really hurt, but can still move, that is near the Banshee, on the opposite side of the room.
Like I said earlier, this would make a lot more sense had you read the rest of the series. But, I suppose it is partly my fault for waiting this long. For that I am sorry. Just try to stay with me.

Back to other things.
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 13, 2005 1:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you! I've been waiting for this one too long! Excellent work!
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 13, 2005 2:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good.


I am not giving out any more details on the scale I did on your last story. I broke two fingers and a thumb because of that. Smile
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Mind_Affecting_Parasite
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 13, 2005 4:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aoxuan: Apparently we posted at near the same time - because I do not remember your post. Oh well. I'll respond to it now.
I'd hate to ask this, but I really like to know where to improve my stuff. I get so few suggestions nowadays that I have little to work with. So, if you could, please give me an example of where I had too little or too much detail.
Of course, I do write these with a certain style. I try to keep things slow and methodical. Like, with the Sergeant, I didn't want to make the whole scene go by really fast. I wanted some emotion, I wanted to get into his mind, and all that stuff, so I just spread it out. Perhaps I shouldn't have.
I didn't really intentionally put in Forerunner history. I just included what the Sergeant thought, but had no intention of going into it in detail. It was just an inclusion to add to effect.
Near Jilly? Thanks! I'd love to be that good.

Insomnia: Glad you liked this one. I hope I don't keep you waiting this next time. I have the concept for the next chapter in my mind - I just have to sit down a write it.

Gallagher: Thanks. I didn't expect as much of your attention this time around. You have given me so much already. Though, that stuff in the PM I sent you would really help me out. But I won't push it. I don't want to be an annoyance.


Thanks again everyone for all of your improvements. And if you can point out what you think should be done differently, please do. I want to make this as good as possible.

But I do have a different way of writing the chapter of this series. With the Halo: Steath Combat Evolved series, I have all of my friends proofread it for me, and go through it many many times trying to make it sound smooth and all. This one I type, go over, and type the next part of the chapter. Kinda wierd. But it is how I do things.

That's enough for now.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 16, 2005 7:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice Job.

I really liked your descriptions about your injured Covenant Elites. Not that I'm some gore-junky, but I could almost feel those injuries myself. Great job there.

Nothing to really point out, there wasn't really any mistakes that I caught, and overall the plot is very good. I've been following this for quite awhile, and this series is a good read. I look forward to your next chapter.

-Russ
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