HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4352

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Long Time Gone Part 37
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
10 February 2005, 6:36 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.02100506363437.html

Mark Lieberg · Posted: Fri Feb 11, 2005 12:45 pm Post subject:

I enjoyed reading this..although I missed the last few chapters..But I liked this. Lots of Action.
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Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

Fraggio · Member Joined: 15 Oct 2004 Posts: 26

That was a fantastic story, very action-packed and exciting, yet emotional at the same moment. The only thing I disagreed with was the fact that any person that talked cursed at least once in everyone of their sentences, People curse, but that was a little excessive. Ease off on it a bit. Other than that, great story! Keep it up!

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Pretty good. But, I still have my traditional gripes. You are improving, just gradually. So keep at it.

The flow was off in some places. There was some repedetiveness and sentense structure things that could have been improved. So, watch that. You want your story to move by as easily as possible to the eye.

I still think you should beef things up. And some more material; descriptions, explenation, whatever. Just add some more substance to what you have. You have a good building, but you need to paint it and install some of those nifty features. Do that.

As good as dailogue is, try to lessen it in your combat. You would have more room and opportunity to describe if you didn't have your characters say something every other paragraph. Have you ever played paintball? I know when I play, I do talk, but not when I get into a firefight - only to call in help; it is pretty hard to carry on conversations of any sort under fire. And I haven't done it in lethal conditions.

Hmm. Those wounds that Henderson received made me think that he should have gone down. If he was hit in the shoulder and was aready bleeding that much, a shot to the neck (especially the throat) would be a nock-out punch. I just didn't think it was realistic for him to be able and continue on through it. Like some dramatic movie affect.

Remember to spell out those smaller numbers. That quad-digits one was okay, but you had a "36" in there, too. Watch that.

Good emotion in there. It could have been upped with some detail, but it was still fairly effecting.

Overall, this was pretty good. This is progressing. Still, don't stop working to improve. Keep it up.
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-MCC