HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4352

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Zanzibar story
Posted by Mr.Revenge (jaime@compuserve.com)
9 February 2005, 12:37 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mr.revenge.0209050037451.html

Fraggio · Member Joined: 15 Oct 2004 Posts: 26

Somewhat repetitive and there were some grammatical errors, work on that. MC's Cousin should do the rest for ya.

Mark Lieberg · Posted: Fri Feb 11, 2005 12:14 pm Post subject:

If you were tired..perhaps you should of waited a few more days before posting the story? Think first...that will help you alot.

Again, tons of Grammer mistakes....aparently you dont know which there to use. You always used Their....that is wrong.

Sgt? Maybe you should spell that out. There are other ranks then Sergeant also. It wasnt that interesting Ill tell you that. But if the next one is just like this...my eyes will bleed and i wont post a single comment.
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HoZ · Posted: Fri Feb 11, 2005 3:36 pm Post subject:

what he said...

sam_fisha · Member Joined: 21 Dec 2004 Posts: 300 Location: A gutter

Agreed, the missuse of 'their' was annoying.

Also always put a space after a period or comma, like that. See? Right there.

Always capitalize proper nouns, Marine, Covenant, Battle Rifle, Sergreant. Zanzibar.

Sergeant, yeah, thats how you spell it. Sergeant.

'Sgt.' Nah, don't abreviate ranks.

You had some spelling errors that a spell checker would have caught.

You had only a bit of descriptivness.

All you really need to do is slow down.

Mr. GotBeans · Posted: Fri Feb 11, 2005 9:36 pm Post subject:

Yeah, sam is right. When I first joined HBOFF, my first story was a mess. But being that I'm better than everybody, it was still better than yours. You have to make the story more beliveable. Instead of saying ' he fired his battle rifle' you should say "He lined up the covenant [alien race] in his sights. Steading his trembling arm, Tom pulled the trigger sending three [whatever caliber rounds the BR55 fires. 9.5 or something] rounds downrange. The bullets ripped apart the [alien race's] skull, showering the it's surrounding allies and the wall behind it with [if Grunt, blue. if Elite or Jackel, purple] bloody chunks of its brain." See how much better that sounds? I suggest reading "The Pearl" by John Stienbeck. The others basicly covered the grammer.

HA MCC, I STOLE YOUR JOB OF RIGHTING ONES WRONGS, HA!

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Well, you may be on your way, Beans, but I would not say you have stolen my job from me. I would never let that happen. You guys just compliment my style Cool

.

Anyway. About the story.

First, I would like to address your Authors Notes.
For one, I would suggest against their use. They are just not needed. Anything that you have to say to your reader that does not have to do with story material should be stuck here. And anything that does have to do with story material should be in the story.
Second, I'll relate to the last sentense of my previous paragraph. If you tell us outright what you story is about, then you don't end up doing it in the story itself. Which is not good. You should explain and describe your location and your plot through your story material, not just by telling us before we even read it. Keep that in mind.
Third, about the note you left at the bottom. I am not one for excuses. If the grammar and spelling was not good, and you knew it, then you should not have posted it. You should have given yourself time to make it better before you released it to us. Being tired is no excuse whatsoever. If you are tired, then save the story on your harddrive and just wait 'till later. Beyond giving you a better time to write, it will give you ample time to think about your story, and develop it in your mind. That is actually a part of proofreading.

thedarkfire · Posted: Sat Feb 12, 2005 3:20 am Post subject:

Alright, someone pop the balloon that is MCC's head. Laughing

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Sat Feb 12, 2005 7:02 am Post subject:

I don't want to sound like a jackass, but don't use that "I'm tired, gimme credit" routine. I did ALL the time when I first started out (and those whiners at teamHalo did too, and look where they are! Cooking burgers at a Arby's!![it's a joke, not a smart joke]) and I got a lot of bad cred. Okay, now we got that out of the way, let's move on.

Code....I felt it...uh....missing? If you don't know what that is, it's this:

[indent]: to indent

[the letter i(lowercase]: Italicied Words

Basically, besides bolded terms, that's what code is.

What else was missing? Ah yes:

Mark Lieberg · Posted: Sat Feb 12, 2005 7:16 am Post subject:

But mainly...I dont think he wrote this on word first. He probaly just wrote this up on HBO, with out checking it out like i did with my like old Forerunner Series..which I got tired of cause it was a load of shit compared to my other ones.

He I wonder if I can post non Halo related stories here? Can I wado? It had military based action in it. That woudl be great for people like Ens
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Mark Lieberg
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"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Sat Feb 12, 2005 7:21 am Post subject:

No, it would be great if it wasn't totally military and involved Halo and romance. That would make me happy.
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Mark Lieberg · Posted: Sat Feb 12, 2005 10:30 am Post subject:

Eh......this team aint really aloud to go out and get emoitional. They only have eachother as a family.
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Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

Nick Kang · Posted: Sat Feb 12, 2005 5:38 pm Post subject:

Ah, Mr. Revenge. Weren't you the one who wrote the Invasion of the n00bs?
Anyway, yeah, MCC's already been here, so he's stolen all the meat from the bone. Now we're forced to eat the little scraps (MCC you food stealer! Evil or Very Mad

)
Yeah, just improve your details, put spaces after your punctuation, and don't abreviate ranks.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Sun Feb 13, 2005 4:08 am Post subject:

Yeah, just listen to MCC and me, then you'll become one of the greatest writers on HOB.
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