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Zanzibar story

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 11, 2005 11:07 am    Post subject: Zanzibar story Reply with quote

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Zanzibar story
Posted by Mr.Revenge (jaime@compuserve.com)
9 February 2005, 12:37 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mr.revenge.0209050037451.html
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Fraggio
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 11, 2005 11:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Somewhat repetitive and there were some grammatical errors, work on that. MC's Cousin should do the rest for ya.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 11, 2005 12:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If you were tired..perhaps you should of waited a few more days before posting the story? Think first...that will help you alot.

Again, tons of Grammer mistakes....aparently you dont know which there to use. You always used Their....that is wrong.

Sgt? Maybe you should spell that out. There are other ranks then Sergeant also. It wasnt that interesting Ill tell you that. But if the next one is just like this...my eyes will bleed and i wont post a single comment.
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HoZ
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 11, 2005 3:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

what he said...
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sam_fisha
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 11, 2005 4:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Agreed, the missuse of 'their' was annoying.

Also always put a space after a period or comma, like that. See? Right there.

Always capitalize proper nouns, Marine, Covenant, Battle Rifle, Sergreant. Zanzibar.

Sergeant, yeah, thats how you spell it. Sergeant.

'Sgt.' Nah, don't abreviate ranks.

You had some spelling errors that a spell checker would have caught.

You had only a bit of descriptivness.

All you really need to do is slow down.
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Mr. GotBeans
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 11, 2005 9:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, sam is right. When I first joined HBOFF, my first story was a mess. But being that I'm better than everybody, it was still better than yours. You have to make the story more beliveable. Instead of saying ' he fired his battle rifle' you should say "He lined up the covenant [alien race] in his sights. Steading his trembling arm, Tom pulled the trigger sending three [whatever caliber rounds the BR55 fires. 9.5 or something] rounds downrange. The bullets ripped apart the [alien race's] skull, showering the it's surrounding allies and the wall behind it with [if Grunt, blue. if Elite or Jackel, purple] bloody chunks of its brain." See how much better that sounds? I suggest reading "The Pearl" by John Stienbeck. The others basicly covered the grammer.

HA MCC, I STOLE YOUR JOB OF RIGHTING ONES WRONGS, HA!
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 11, 2005 9:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, you may be on your way, Beans, but I would not say you have stolen my job from me. I would never let that happen. You guys just compliment my style Cool .

Anyway. About the story.

First, I would like to address your Authors Notes.
For one, I would suggest against their use. They are just not needed. Anything that you have to say to your reader that does not have to do with story material should be stuck here. And anything that does have to do with story material should be in the story.
Second, I'll relate to the last sentense of my previous paragraph. If you tell us outright what you story is about, then you don't end up doing it in the story itself. Which is not good. You should explain and describe your location and your plot through your story material, not just by telling us before we even read it. Keep that in mind.
Third, about the note you left at the bottom. I am not one for excuses. If the grammar and spelling was not good, and you knew it, then you should not have posted it. You should have given yourself time to make it better before you released it to us. Being tired is no excuse whatsoever. If you are tired, then save the story on your harddrive and just wait 'till later. Beyond giving you a better time to write, it will give you ample time to think about your story, and develop it in your mind. That is actually a part of proofreading.

You wrote:
''Listen up here ladies!''The Sergent barked
Tom quickly woke up.They were going on some mission to some place called zanzibar to rid the covenant their.They had been in a pelican listening to the SGt.

You wrote that one. And I saw some problems right away. Let me discuss them.
One: You didn't even have a space between that dialogue and "The Sergeant barked". And you didn't have a period after that sentense. There were all sorts of these small errors scattered about everywhere. But, they are easy to fix. If you just read over your story - proofread it - then many of those mistakes can be caught and gotten out of your story. Think about that; all the little things build up in a story.
Two: You did a great job of telling us about your whole scene. What you failed to do was show us. Details, bud; details. Use them. Describe your setting (atmosphere [mood, emotions], environment [stuff around them, lighting, smells, feelings]) and your characters; explain your situation and what it going to happen, and what has happened. The reader needs to be informed about it all. As the writer, it is your job to do so.
Three: You didn't capatalize those proper nouns. This may not seem like a big thing, but it is very important. Do it. Cap stuff like Covenant, Marine, Zanzibar, etc. - all of your species, specific weapons, vehicles, specific locations; all that stuff.
Four: Wording. Watch your wording and grammar. You did things like use "their" in-place of "there." Sentense structure, too. Work on it. Without proper writing technique, it is very difficult for you [the author] to convey what you need to to your readers. Proper use of language and writing is essential to accomplish those goals.
Five: You abbrevated a rank. Sure, maybe it's abbreviated on their chest, but that is not how it is spelled. "Sgt." is not a word. For the life of me, I have never heard Sergeant pronounced as three letters. So, spell it out. Every time. Exceptions for this are things like Private First Class (PVC) - but not single words.
Rewritten better, that segment would look more like this:
I wrote:
''Listen up here ladies!'' The Sergent barked, walking over the floor plating of the vibrating dropship.
Tom jerked his eyes open with a start, pulling himself from his unintentional nap. His platoon was going on some mission to a Human facility on the beach - named "Zanzibar" - to rid the palce of a Covenant presence. They had been in the Pelican listening to Sergeant Dickins for the last twenty minutes of the boring ride.

Do you see how much better it is now? I hope so. Just work to improve all of those things for us.


Overall, this was a fair idea for a story, but your writing needs to be worked on. So, do that; use out advice to boost your writing ability, and bring out the author in you. Have fun with your writing; and good luck.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 12, 2005 3:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, someone pop the balloon that is MCC's head. Laughing
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 12, 2005 7:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't want to sound like a jackass, but don't use that "I'm tired, gimme credit" routine. I did ALL the time when I first started out (and those whiners at teamHalo did too, and look where they are! Cooking burgers at a Arby's!![it's a joke, not a smart joke]) and I got a lot of bad cred. Okay, now we got that out of the way, let's move on.


Code....I felt it...uh....missing? If you don't know what that is, it's this:

[indent]: to indent

[the letter i(lowercase]: Italicied Words

Basically, besides bolded terms, that's what code is.

What else was missing? Ah yes:

Quote:
''Okay,I'm gonna open this door and were gonna run out to the beach.Try to get behind cover once we hit it.''


What the hell kind of Sergeant gives a short briefing like that. I'd write it like this:

Quote:
"Alright, ladies! Mr. Flying Jackass over there might of landed us in the compound. If we didn't, run onto the beach and give those Covie bastards hell. Go for it!" The Sergeant yelled as, with one arm, pulled the door open and sunlight flooded the cabin.....


You also need spaces after your periods and commas. Hope all....wait a minute, this is the first time I did this.....I must of caught MCC's Reviewing Disease.....
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 12, 2005 7:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

But mainly...I dont think he wrote this on word first. He probaly just wrote this up on HBO, with out checking it out like i did with my like old Forerunner Series..which I got tired of cause it was a load of shit compared to my other ones.

He I wonder if I can post non Halo related stories here? Can I wado? It had military based action in it. That woudl be great for people like Ens
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 12, 2005 7:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

No, it would be great if it wasn't totally military and involved Halo and romance. That would make me happy.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 12, 2005 10:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Eh......this team aint really aloud to go out and get emoitional. They only have eachother as a family.
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 12, 2005 5:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, Mr. Revenge. Weren't you the one who wrote the Invasion of the n00bs?
Anyway, yeah, MCC's already been here, so he's stolen all the meat from the bone. Now we're forced to eat the little scraps (MCC you food stealer! Evil or Very Mad Laughing )
Yeah, just improve your details, put spaces after your punctuation, and don't abreviate ranks.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 13, 2005 4:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, just listen to MCC and me, then you'll become one of the greatest writers on HOB.
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