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hboff Site Admin
Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4377
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eb4642 IRC Channel Operator

Joined: 09 May 2009 Posts: 77 Location: The Dark Tower of NW10
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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2013 4:57 am Post subject: |
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As far as first submissions go (because, as a rule, they're terrible) this really surprised me. You've got a solid start of a good story here, and it's always great to see a new writer posting to HBOFF. Welcome
Your grammar is nominally perfect, save for a couple of slip-ups I've spotted (it might be worth getting someone else to read your story beforehand so you catch these before it gets posted.) Your choice of language is a bit odd, however, and does jar occasionally.
It's not enough to get a handle on how well defined your characters are, but the dialogue is very sharp and I'm very fond of Monty. (Then again, I am a sucker for all AIs with a wicked sense of humour!) The scenario is believable, although I'm not sure on the finer canon details (so I hope someone else will step in and check this for me.)
This reads like a set-up for a longer story, but it stands up very well on its own. It's not perfect, but it's a good start, and I look forward to reading more of your work soon. Keep writing! _________________ The Elitist Bastard | Writing is the business of professional turd-polishing.
"(don't take this review too seriously) If you doubt this is possible, how is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS??" |
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Cailus Member
Joined: 18 Jan 2013 Posts: 1
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Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2013 1:56 am Post subject: |
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Thank you for the criticism, I do appreciate it. You're right, as this is the start of a small series...although you'll be hard pushed to see it as a masterpiece, or any of my characters as "well-defined". That may come in a different series, but this is purely fun. Writer's chocolate, if you will. ^_^
Second chapter will (depending on our lords and masters) come up tomorrow. |
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