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Fan Fiction Review 18th June - 25th June

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Which Fiction Should Win?
Patterns - Histories
 100%  [ 1 ]
Remembrance - Invasion of Levosia
 0%  [ 0 ]
Slayer : Prologue
 0%  [ 0 ]
Halo : Slayer
 0%  [ 0 ]
Total Votes : 1

Author Message
Carson Woo

Joined: 09 Jun 2011
Posts: 14
Location: Hong Kong, China

PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2011 8:13 pm    Post subject: Fan Fiction Review 18th June - 25th June Reply with quote

Hello and welcome to the return of the HBOFF Reviews! I'm quite sure that all of you are excited to know who will win the first review since last year. So, let's get things going.

This review will include Fics of the week starting from June 18th 2011.As usual, if more than one part of a story is included, they will be considered as one review.

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Remembrance - Part 3 - Invasion Of Levosia
by Mark Lieberg

Although the author of this fiction, Mark Lieberg, usually produce high quality products, this one was slightly under-achieving. The idea and plot is interesting, but when you compare it with canon materials, it seems to be... not quite right. Also, grammar mistake were frequent, so this fiction is not the author's best.

Punctuation errors was the biggest problem, and here is an example

   The HMG-38 rifle was something to be fearful of, but not entirely when in proper hands; Keiichi's hands

Notice that the punctuation before Keiichi should be a : , rather than a ; , because Keiichi's hands is the proper hands, therefore, it should be a : because it is talking about who's hands are proper.

However, there's always a good side in everything.

As stated before, to put a canon character (Keiichi) together with non-canon characters are always interesting. Readers can see how a character with a complete backstory interact with a fan fiction character.

To conclude, room for improvement, but still a nice Fic. Actually, every Fic needs improvement, it just depends on what level of improvement is required.

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Halo: Slayer. Prologue
by Danny Isaac

Reading this drove me crazy. It's just a damn block of words, and it's long. Very long blocks of words. I don't really understand what the author is trying to express. The main character hates the Covenant? The Covenant is a killing machine? There's no plot here.

A prologue should be a chapter to introduce characters, describe the plot and the backstory, reinforce them, and create your desired scene. It's not just block of words with no serious meanings.

For example...

On the marine's shoulder pauldron he could see a insignia and the initials ODST, he was unsure what it meant but he knew it was why this man was different than other marines. The marine nodded at the pair. He said in a low voice "The Covenant have overrun the city. When you get to the transport tell the pilot to take off. I'll hold them here. Now go!" Daniel dragged the woman through the gateway where he could see a cargo ship docked at the spaceport loading civilians and wounded aboard. He kept going as the door shut behind him he could hear it lock as marine secured the gate from the other side. When they got near the ship the pilot helped the woman onboard and lay her against the wall of the cockpit. Daniel moved towards the pilot and said to him, "thats the last of us." The pilot walked towards the gateway and said "it can't be we got to go back!" his heart skipped a beat as he said to the pilot, "the city is in ashes theres no one left!" The pilot stood still,standing in silence then he shook off his emotions and hurried to the cockpit. He jumped into the cargo hold with the other refugees.He lent against the wall and slid down until he was sitting with his knees to his chest. The darkness of the cargo hold enveloped the room as the door of the ship closed. Tears filled his eyes as his home was burnt to the ground, he cryed as his whole planet was being destroyed at that very moment.

You will see a ton of mistakes here, including punctuation, capitals, wordings, everything. See for yourself. I've copied the whole paragraph, and I'm not kidding, it is in one paragraph. One.

But that's all forgivable, because this is the debut of this author. I'm sure that if he can improve with the right comments provided, one day his will succeed.

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Patterns - Part 4 - Histories
by Captain Rapsberry

Another state-of-the-art creation by the Captain, I must say. A well constructed backstory contributed heavily to this part. Although the end was a little too short, the middle and start were... great.

There's few post-Halo 3 stories, and even more rare for high quality stories. Histories is one of them. The Insurrection Fics sector was left unexplored in this few years, and Histories may revive it. (The series is just starting, though)

A quick scan already ensured its quality, while a deep check confirmed that the grammar is good, the plot is interesting, and to create a Fic in this setting is difficult, especially when it comes to Insurrection, but the author did it right.

However, this chapter is short, and it mainly just served as an intro to the next chapter, while this chapter itself has no serious actions in it. This doesn't affects its quality, though.

I've got nothing left to say, except saying "Good job!" to the author. Go read this chapter, and you'll understand.

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Halo : Slayer
by Matt Mills

A mess for a Fan Fiction veteran, a nice one for a rookie. First paragraph is a block of words, which is not comfortable to readers and difficult to read. And, the plot is a little bit messed up, and for a single story, sometimes this will be fatal.

Another debut in this review, and this one is slightly better than the previous one I commented on (it's the second one in this review)The amount of grammar mistakes are forgivable, given that the author is a rookie. (At least at HBOFF)

I don't understand the plot, though. Is the character sting on a sofa playing or is he inside the game, dying and killing? It's a little messed up, but it may be just my fault, or the author's.

To conclude, this is a nice debut for this author, but improvement is required. I see a lot of potential in this author, so who knows, maybe one day he will become a great author!

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Hoping to more? Well, that the end of the review. You want more? Post more! I'm sure that all of you can produce more than just 4 stories per week. Write more, post more, and read more reviews!

Now, it's the rating time and awards time!

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First Up, Ratings!

REMEMBRANCE --- 82.5 / 100

SLAYER : PROLOGUE --- 69.5 / 100

PATTERNS --- 89 / 100

SLAYER --- 73 / 100

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Happy about the ratings? Now it's awards time!

by CaptainRapsberry

by Matt Mills

by Mark Lieberg

by CaptainRapsberry

by CaptainRapsberry

by Danny Issac

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That ends the show! Last but not least...Remember to comment on Fics that you've read and post more! Also, remember to return next week with another review.

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