HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

This topic is for posting comments to:

Halo Origins: Prologue
Posted by Enthrone Darkness Triumphant (admiralprestoncole@yahoo.com)
28 July 2009, 7:27 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Enthrone_Dar0728090727301.html

[eb4642]

Well... it's quite good. Your GPS is, as always, very good, and the narrative is simple to follow and very informative.

Now for the problem: the plot seems rather flawed. I highly doubt the Soviet Union, in anything remotely resembling its pre-1989 days, could appear again. While modern Russia is suspended precariously between communism and a pseudo-free market, history tells us that the Soviet Union simply didn't work. True, Lenin was born around a hundred years too early (if he'd had microchips, his job might have been simpler) but even with future technology, in my opinion, there's still only a certain extent to which a relatively authoritarian society can be enforced.

Just my two cents' worth.
_________________
The Elitist Bastard | Writing is the business of professional turd-polishing.
"(don't take this review too seriously) If you doubt this is possible, how is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS??"

[Enth Darkness Triumphant]

[kabu]

I'm not sure how much I like this sort of alternate universe thing. Honestly, it has nothing to do with halo at all, aside from the title. The timeline has all the events nicely laid out.
_________________

[Arthur Wellesley]

This was... alright. I certainly don't mind artistic liberties, Ethrone... I too tried to make my own version of Earth's unexplored pre-Covenant history. Yet I feel that taking liberties necessitates their being justified within the greater context of both the real world and the Haloverse. I didn't find that here.

The Soviet Union reforming, complete with identicle government structures (the KGB, the Supreme Soviet)? The "American Empire" annexing Canada? China unanimously deciding to launch nukes against a country that can respond in kind? None of it struck me as remotely realistic.

The early history of the UNSC is something that I think desperately needs more Fan Fiction attention, but this doesn't seem to cut it. I'm sorry, but I just didn't believe it. I never even came close.

The language you employ is also occassionally sloppy or just plain unusual:

[Enth Darkness Triumphant]

Seriously Arthur,

If you find this without enough context to the real world you can look away from the computer screen and stare out of a window into the real world because I hate to ruin it but this make belief. I am kind of getting peeved by people telling me on how I should run my bloody stories, when all I am doing is throwing my imagination into words.

Sure GPS can always be improved through time and practice but I am standing firm on my plot. This is just a prologue and I got a whole series to show were I am going with it. I created a crossover before and I was put down with the lack of originality that came with it, so I decided to go with something new and orginal.

But whatever, if you don't like the idea then you can choose not to read it. I will take your GPS comments and improve on them.
_________________
I Enthroned Darkness Triumphant,
With the Searing Trident of the Inferno

[kabu]

Hey now. Arthur gave advice that you don't like, sure, but he did so without malice and only as suggestions for improvement. He, and pretty much everyone else on this site, is just trying to help you improve, not to attack you personally.

Originality is always great, and I applaud you for thinking of something this innovative. But to be honest, I don't see the USSR coming back like this either - and I certainly don't foresee a conflict like that between America and Canada.
_________________

[Enth Darkness Triumphant]

[SYSTEM]

[CaptainRaspberry]

[eb4642]

Reading back through this, I've noticed quite another, more major problem. I initially thought that it was because I was distracted... but I was wrong.

The biggest problem with this submission is that it's bland. It's got this dull, uninteresting feel. It physically pains me to say this (because anyone who uses the word "engage" in this way sounds like a complete tosser), but it just fails to engage with the reader.

Overall, it feels more like a four-hour history lecture by a fusty old professor called Keith than a piece of fiction that's meant to be entertaining.

I also concur with what Dave said: if you don't like what people have to say... don't post it.
_________________
The Elitist Bastard | Writing is the business of professional turd-polishing.
"(don't take this review too seriously) If you doubt this is possible, how is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS??"

[Enth Darkness Triumphant]

Al ot of times I have stuff to say but I bite my tongue and I move on and if I read something that has anomalies, I at least try to employ the "crap sandwich."

Now to defend my stance yet again, I list the following:

1) Nothing has ever been written about the governments on Earth before the formation of the UN and still nothing is ever written on the autonomy of the nations that comprise the UN in Halo.

2)Apart from the timeline, which I intend to follow; nothing has ever been written or said about the old Earth politics and what happened until the events of the origins of Harvest and the beginnings of Earths Extra-Sol System travels.

3) I can take critique up to but not including someone just flat out telling me at the prologue that my idea is flawed and that it should be torn apart and rebuilt because they disagree with how politics are run in a story.

4) The four hour history lesson was needed because apparently the comments from my first series was that not enough background was given. I could have gone more in depth but that would have probably pissed more people off and forked off into a completely different direction than I intended. I tried to employ a direct and to the point approach so the story could start.
_________________
I Enthroned Darkness Triumphant,
With the Searing Trident of the Inferno

[SeverianofUrth]

Heh, it feels like you're getting ganged up on, doesn't it?

The problem with your idea is that it just seems so unlikely, and thus, it takes away from the credibility of your story. The re-emergence of the Soviet Union in your universe essentially depends on a perfect storm of events falling one after another like dominoes.

Nor does it seem likely that, should the Union rise up once more, it would retain the same characteristics that led to its downfall, considering, especially, the advances in technology.

I do agree with Arthur that it is a flawed idea--look, if I wanted to, I could write a story about rabbits and hamsters getting MJOLNIR armor to fend off the Covenant. But would it be believable as anything other than a comedy? No. While, ultimately, it is your story and thus your universe to tinker with (although, admittedly, this is fanfiction), when the basic idea behind your story strains credibility, it's just hard to take anything else you say seriously.

[UNSC Trooper]

A modification I'd suggest against the usage of a new Soviet Union is simply expanding on the Koslovics which, from what I can surmise from the official timeline, are a Khmer Rouge-like, military-oriented group of revolutionaries. Since they aim to squish free-market capitalism in the colonies and are at the same time trying to battle a resurgence of national socialism in the Jovian system, communism, under these circumstances, needs to wear a military mantle and I think that's pretty easy to depict.

If you really want to include a Soviet-like state, you could have a more far-leftish offspring of the Russian Federation sponsor the Koslovics along with some of the few states that are still governed under a Maoist or Leninist system: China, North Korea or a Korean Union, assuming the two had united up until 2160, a small coalition consisting of Vietnam and Laos, and an alliance of a few African states that are more or less sympathetic to Marxism, like Angola or Ethiopia. To counteract this, you could also have some nationalist insurrections unfold in places that would likely sponsor such manifestations. The so-called "Unified German Republic" referred to in the timeline would obviously be the first candidate. Another place you could use as the site of a bitter struggle between nationalist and workers' movements would be Mars, since it's almost completely an industrial colony.

A story along those lines wouldn't deviate too much from the premise of the Interplanetary War. Just a suggestion.

[Enth Darkness Triumphant]