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Fan Fic Pick of the Week (April 3)

 
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 6:37 pm    Post subject: Fan Fic Pick of the Week (April 3) Reply with quote

The Weekly HBO fan fiction pick of the week: more important than the points system of "Whose line is it anyway?"

There was a clear winner this week, and the rest were doing their level best to match his glory. There's a bunch of stories that are ok, but they're just not COMPLETE. Before you submit a story, are you happy with how it turned out? Did you get the imagery right of a particular scene? Does the dialogue sound like an actual human being (or equivalent species/AI/etc) would really say those words? These are questions you should ask yourselves...and then ask again right before you submit.

/preaching. WINNERS!

On the verge: Project: PEGASUS; Revelation by ENS Rabid Gallagher
"feeling the eyes of his privates and sergeants on him"...?: I mean, did you read that sentence and think, "Hmmm, maybe this will get misread?" There's a bunch of sentences in here that are just plain confusing with their unintentional comedy. It's an ok submission, but it's not "You Know My Name" or "Letters from a Corpsman." I KNOW you can do better than this. I've read it. This lacked imagination. There's been a bunch of submissions that are just plain ripped from cutscenes of games, you've got to start making these scenes live, breathe, and die on their own. I know you can do this, ENS. I know you can.


Honorable Mention: Halo Clone Wars: Chapter 9 by Enthrone Darkness Triumphant
It's the characters, stupid: EDT has been going at this series for a while now with consistent submissions, but frankly, it's never really been all that good. You start with the obvious handicap of crossing over Star Wars and Halo (which has NEVER been handled well by anyone at HBOFF) and it's hard to build a readership that will be satisfied with your work.

Thankfully, EDT makes this chapter about characters dealing with emotions and limits the distractions of wondering how the hell Jedis are fighting Covenant. The imagery is pretty good, though every time someone writes about Russians on HBOFF it all just sounds like they played a lot of Call of Duty and are rehashing that.

Lesson: it's hard to write Russians.

Ahsoka's an understandable non-factor, but I did enjoy the Marshall and how he's dealing with what appears to be the battle for Earth. It's good enough.

Caution: Jedis at work: Part of the reason I dislike crossovers is that they, like fan fiction in general, are an excuse to say you're making stuff up when you're not. They're not your characters, they're not your universe, blah blah blah. Crossovers in fan fiction are just plain rough. It's so easy to get lazy and never use your imagination, and I URGE you to try something more original in your next series.

Just the title can be a turn off for readers just as easily as it can be enticing. Remember that.

And PLEASE take your one-line conversations with Kndan to PMs instead of constantly bumping your story to the top of the thread. I'm not the only person who's thinking this.


Second Place: Relevance: Redux (Chapter 1+Prologue) by Omega 505

I'm loving this premise: We're following the crew of a long-term recon vessel that's been out on recon with no home shore leave for...wait for it...THREE YEARS. Now while this may seem a bit ridiculous (three YEARS? Do they resupply? How many of the original crew is still around? Have they NEVER needed repairs? Have they seen action in THREE YEARS? I mean, that's a long time, sir)

It's so easy to just jump into action when it comes to a story like this, but Omega effectively uses flashbacks to flesh out his characters, as well as genuine human moments of frustration when characters want nothing more than to just see home for the first time in 1,095 days.

Who let the ensign clap on my bridge?: As good as this is starting out to be, there's work to be done. There's a bunch of parts that are just TOO melodramatic. Example: the rousing applause on the bridge. I understand that the crew feels a lot of loyalty to the Captain, but NO ONE would do that on board a ship during active duty.

"Hunt for Red October" did that with the singing and it just came off as weird. Have you seen that movie? (I know there's a book. Shush.) It was bits like those that took me out of your story, and you want to avoid melodramatic moments like those that just don't quite fit. I'm totally guilty of writing those, too, I'm just saying minimizing them will do wonders for your writing.

Also, I couldn't get out of my head Salina being the Selina from "Halo Wars." There wasn't a different name you could have chosen?

Hail the grand chosen champion of these seven days!: Oncoming Winter - From Tulane by CaptainRaspberry

I'm all sorts of happy with this series: This was far and away the best story of the week. It had vivid imagery, realistic dialogue, and painted the entire picture perfectly and simply.

This kid is one dark mofo, but it never gets gratuitous. There's genuine human moments between characters, very real thoughts going through the protagonist's head, and we get a very clear sense of what's going on.

Excellent submissions like these will make readers go back to your name and say, "wow, what else have they done?" Remember that fact, everyone. You can have a few sub-par submissions, but knock a couple out of the park and you'll be right back on your feet.

Here's your side arm, what's the hurry?: It's short. It's way short. I'm just going to say that.

This is how I make it balanced. Fail.

'Til next week!
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 8:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dramatic applause for Captain Raspberry, on a well deserved win.
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CaptainRaspberry
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 10:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Woohoo! My first fic pick! Very Happy

Congratulations to everyone, though. And yes, it is too short, but I was worried that if I stretched it out too much I'd dilute the effect.
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Enth Darkness Triumphant
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 10:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, this wasn't the best review to read after a calc exam, lol.

I don't get what you meant by the following, Azrael:

Quote:
It's the characters, stupid


Are you calling me, my character or both stupid? or is my mind going completely pessimistic and it is supposed to mean something else?

On the other hand, if you and other people are not enjoying a story, I really can't force it upon you, it would be like imposing Death Metal on people who like country or blaring Techno on the normal populace.

I just really had this idea building up within myself over the past year of blending Star Wars with Halo, and you could call it my first project.

Lastly, I have never played Call of Duty, ever. My impressions on the Russian Culture is from years of reading about the Soviet Union, my hero Marshall Zhukov [whom I named my character after], and watching lots of Soviet videos and the 1984 parade speech alot of times.

Where are my manners,

Congrats CaptainRasberry.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 10:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Enth Darkness Triumphant wrote:
Well, this wasn't the best review to read after a calc exam, lol.

I don't get what you meant by the following, Azrael:

Quote:
It's the characters, stupid


Are you calling me, my character or both stupid? or is my mind going completely pessimistic and it is supposed to mean something else?

On the other hand, if you and other people are not enjoying a story, I really can't force it upon you, it would be like imposing Death Metal on people who like country or blaring Techno on the normal populace.

I just really had this idea building up within myself over the past year of blending Star Wars with Halo, and you could call it my first project.

Lastly, I have never played Call of Duty, ever. My impressions on the Russian Culture is from years of reading about the Soviet Union, my hero Marshall Zhukov [whom I named my character after], and watching lots of Soviet videos and the 1984 parade speech alot of times.

Where are my manners,

Congrats CaptainRasberry.


It's a play on Bill Clinton's 1992 campaign slogan "It's the economy, stupid." It's a phrase whose permutations have entered into the mainstream, simply meaning one would do well to focus on fundamentals... ie, it was a compliment.

I haven't read your series, but Az was actually pretty complimentary to your piece. Don't be discouraged - he's saying that he has confidence in your abilities, and simply feels that it's not being sufficiently expressed in your current series.

- Arthur
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xxForceReconxx
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 10:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Congrats to the winners.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 11:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I concur with all of your picks, Az. Very Happy
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 09, 2009 1:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

As Arthur said, I wasn't saying anything you've done is stupid, I'm saying that characters are the backbone, the foundation of a story no matter what genre or setting you're writing in. My point was that you got the honorable mention DESPITE my dislike of crossovers by making it about the characters and less so the situation.

You could make your story about Metroid meets Predator meets Star Wars meets Halo, if your characters are great and I feel invested in them, I'll read it. It's just really easy to say, "Oh, Ashoka's in this," and never really develop the character. That's why I enjoyed Marshall in your chapter.

You've been improving. Keep it up.
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kabu
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 09, 2009 3:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have to say, I'm a real fan of the Tulane series. Keep it up.
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Omega505
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 09, 2009 3:44 pm    Post subject: Re: Fan Fic Pick of the Week (April 3) Reply with quote

Azrael wrote:

Second Place: Relevance: Redux (Chapter 1+Prologue) by Omega 505

I'm loving this premise: We're following the crew of a long-term recon vessel that's been out on recon with no home shore leave for...wait for it...THREE YEARS. Now while this may seem a bit ridiculous (three YEARS? Do they resupply? How many of the original crew is still around? Have they NEVER needed repairs? Have they seen action in THREE YEARS? I mean, that's a long time, sir)

It's so easy to just jump into action when it comes to a story like this, but Omega effectively uses flashbacks to flesh out his characters, as well as genuine human moments of frustration when characters want nothing more than to just see home for the first time in 1,095 days.

Who let the ensign clap on my bridge?: As good as this is starting out to be, there's work to be done. There's a bunch of parts that are just TOO melodramatic. Example: the rousing applause on the bridge. I understand that the crew feels a lot of loyalty to the Captain, but NO ONE would do that on board a ship during active duty.

"Hunt for Red October" did that with the singing and it just came off as weird. Have you seen that movie? (I know there's a book. Shush.) It was bits like those that took me out of your story, and you want to avoid melodramatic moments like those that just don't quite fit. I'm totally guilty of writing those, too, I'm just saying minimizing them will do wonders for your writing.

Also, I couldn't get out of my head Salina being the Selina from "Halo Wars." There wasn't a different name you could have chosen?


Thanks, I'll see what I can do about that. I'll start by clearing some things up:

Three years: This is in real time... cryo could be a good option... I admit that I didn't think this part through

Melodramatic Clapping: Haven't heard that before, thanks for the comment... I'll see what I can fix for chapter two

Salina-Selina: The Halo Wars AI is Serina... and the fact that I named my character before Halo Wars was released... =P

Anyway, congrats to the winner, I'll take your comments seriously and work to make chapter two better then ever.
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