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The Councilor-prologue-

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 1:52 pm    Post subject: The Councilor-prologue- Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

The Councilor-prologue-
Posted by CarbonElite (Drweird813@yahoo.com)
3 February 2007, 4:45 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=CarbonElite0203071645361.html
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CarbonElite
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Joined: 09 Feb 2007
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Location: Lost...Just Lost

PostPosted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 3:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well crud, my formatting didn't come out right. It was good on my computer...
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Wado
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Joined: 26 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 5:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

CarbonElite wrote:
Well crud, my formatting didn't come out right. It was good on my computer...


Looks like there are some line breaks in there. Maybe preview will help you see where there are extra line breaks when you submit your next story and you can delete them.
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CarbonElite
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 10:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well I kept previewing it and everytime I thought I had it right the text would go off the right side of the screen forcing me to scroll over. So I tried to fix it by shortening some of the lines, I guess that didn't work.
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
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Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Sat Feb 10, 2007 3:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's normal, I believe. It comes out right in the final version, usually.

Good story, anyway, although there were some GPS errors.
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Jillybean
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Joined: 17 Dec 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 10, 2007 11:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You did Solitude good Smile

Nice beginnings, and lots of description, well done.
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Syotica
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 11, 2007 1:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Other than your formatting, your story wasn't too bad. If I were you I wouldn't have an AN in my story and instead I'd simply post it here on this board.

Nicely done.
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CarbonElite
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 11, 2007 3:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I greatly appreciate the feedback, (if you want to see how horrid my previous stories were search for the author spartan81388). I hope you enjoy the next one as well. Hopefully I'll have the format right this time Smile
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 13, 2007 3:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, that formatting can be a little tricky. I use Mozilla Firefox as my brower, and I haven't had a problem getting it to post right, but sometimes things mess up. As long as you don't have line breaks in the preview, it'll post just fine.

Anyway, story time.


As Syotica mentioned, I would advise posting ANs here, under your comments section, instead of at the beginning of your stories. IMHO, which has been disagreed with before, they are just a little distracting, and not all to necessary. You can post all the non-story, personal-relating stuff here, and it'll get seen just fine.


As for the story itself...


The first thing I would advise doing is to format your titles a little differently. Not much, the words themselves were fine, but make sure to cap all the words and add in spaces around punctuation such as dashes (ie: "The Councilor - Prologue -"). (And, you did do that in the body of the story itself, just not in the actual title bar. Watch that. Because your title will hang over your story all the time, and it's the first thing that people see.) Actually -- also IMO -- you only really need one piece of punctuation seperating the series title and the chapter title (ie: "The Councilor - Prologue" or "The Councilor: Prologue"), and leave it at that. Looks just fine that way, too.


CarbonElite wrote:
The twin moons of Sangheil were covered by dark wisps of clouds which shrouded the Sangheil city of Sanctity in a blanket of darkness. The city lay in a valley surrounded by high reaching snow covered peaks rising like sentinels guarding a precious jewel. It sprawled like a web clinging to the very edges of the mountain ranges with multi-tiered levels separated by violet hued walls rising towards the middle of the city.


Read that outloud to yourself. Look at how the words explain your setting. Not bad words or details at all; however, the way you presented them is what I would like to point out.

You did something that I like to call "Telling." You basically explained out the details, telling the reader about your setting. Now, while that does get the point across, it's not the smoothest way to convey detail. Instead, "Showing" the reader is the better way to go, your descriptions flowing from one sentence to the next. (Of course, that does take much practice, but the concept is pretty simple.)

I'll give you an example of what the difference is that I'm talking about:

I wrote:
The twin moons of Sangheil were covered by dark wisps of clouds, shrowding the Sangeil city of Sanctity in a blanket of darkness. Lying in a valley surrounded by high reaching snow covered peaks, rising like sentinels guarding a precious jewel, the city sprawled out like a web. Clinging to the very edges of the mountain ranges, it's multi-tiered levels, separated by violet hued walls, rose towards the middle of the city.


I didn't change any of your details, but I did go in and change a couple of small words, and the word order. Can you see and hear the difference when you read it now? Not a huge change, and it might not make perfect sense since you were the one who wrote it and in that order, but with a few changes here and there...

I wrote:
The twin moons of Sangheil were covered by dark wisps of clouds, shrowding the Sangeil city of Sanctity in a blanket of darkness. Lying in a valley surrounded by high reaching mountains, the snow covered peaks rising like sentinels guarding a precious jewel, the city sprawled out like a gigantic web. Clinging to the very edges of the mountain ranges, it's rising levels climbed toward the center of the city, each tier seperated by violet hued walls.


And that's a little closer to that smooth feel.

Like I said, it's not the most drastic of differences, but it definetly makes one. And with some practice, that way of describing becomes a part of how you use detail. Give it a try and see how you like it. IMO, it makes writing a lot more smooth, and easier to read.


Overall, this was a pretty good story. You had a good amount of detail (just not as smooth as it could have been), and that did go towards getting a picture of everything in my head. Keep up the work. You've got potential, so just listen to the tips you get, and keep workin' hard. Good stuff.
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CarbonElite
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Joined: 09 Feb 2007
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Location: Lost...Just Lost

PostPosted: Tue Feb 13, 2007 1:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks MC's Cousin, I'll try to make the story "flow" a little better, but I'va already posted the second strory :p, anyway I'll try to do better on this next chapter.
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labrack2401
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Joined: 10 Jan 2007
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Location: Seattle, Washington

PostPosted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 12:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just read your work out of order and I would have to agree with most of the comments said here especially with the flow. However now that I have read this I would like to give you props for fixing the flow mistakes that were in the story.
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