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Starwars & Halo chapter 4

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 5:36 pm    Post subject: Starwars & Halo chapter 4 Reply with quote

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Starwars & Halo chapter 4
Posted by CSP499 (Csp499@Yahoo.com)
1 November 2005, 5:41 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=CSP4991101050541441.html
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Wellington
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Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 10:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Is there something you don't understand when people ask you to use code? Just use it. It takes an extra 3 damn seconds. And people appreciate it.
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Wado
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Joined: 26 Jul 2004
Posts: 320

PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 11:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

CSP499, your story flowed well but it is hard to read because of the formatting you have chosen to use. Generally you want to start a new paragraph whenever a new speaker comes into play.

I can see the concern Wellington expressed with our lack of using the code to add bolding and indentation to the story, but you did attempt to format the story using double space between paragraphs. It is not unformatted, just difficult to read.

Try take your story and present it better for readability. For example, you wrote:

Quote:
Captain Astar shoved his fists into the air with a sense of victory as his fellow vessels emerged out of hyperspace. He turned to his ops officer "Operations, I want you to monitor all radio signals coming from friendly ships." His officer went to his work. "Aye, captain. Receiving friendly signals now." Vader's hologram once again appeared like a dark shadow on the pedestal. "Captain, is your ship in position? I have a deadline to meet." He growled. Jacob stood stiffer. "Yes my lord. The Katana is in position and standing by for further orders." Vader put his hand on his chin. "Good." He said. "I want you to launch boarding vessels onto the enemy ship. Then I" He was cut off as the ops officer stood and fearfully shouted "Sir! More enemy ships reported! I would say about 65 more! Classification still unknown, sir!" Jacob and Vader's hologram both looked out the bridge window to see the distant blackness begin peppering in small, boiling ruptures. Then- out of nowhere- ships appeared out of each one. Jacob's eyes widened. "How the- where did they come from?" His ops officer made some more readings. "Apparently, sir, they are plowing through the very time-space continuum, through a completely alternate dimension. Doesn't look like it would be all too accurate, but it would be faster than hyperspace." Vader crossed his arms. "Pan-dimensional long range celestial travel using the slipstream." He commented "Ingenious. We've never found out how to use the slipstream, perhaps he can find out." Vader's hologram turned back to face Jacob. "You know your orders- ready all boarding craft." Jacob cocked an eyebrow. "My lord, in case you weren't aware, the space between us and them is one big dogfight- not exactly something we're excelling at right now." Vader put his arms back to his sides. "I'm sure you'll find a way, captain." The silhouette flickered off.


This could be written with better paragraphing such as:

Code:
     Captain Astar shoved his fists into the air with a sense of victory as his fellow vessels emerged out of hyperspace. He turned to his ops officer "Operations, I want you to monitor all radio signals coming from friendly ships."

     His officer went to his work. "Aye, captain. Receiving friendly signals now."

     Vader's hologram once again appeared like a dark shadow on the pedestal. "Captain, is your ship in position? I have a deadline to meet." He growled.

     Jacob stood stiffer. "Yes my lord. The Katana is in position and standing by for further orders."

     Vader put his hand on his chin. "Good." He said. "I want you to launch boarding vessels onto the enemy ship. Then I"

     He was cut off as the ops officer stood and fearfully shouted "Sir! More enemy ships reported! I would say about 65 more! Classification still unknown, sir!"

     Jacob and Vader's hologram both looked out the bridge window to see the distant blackness begin peppering in small, boiling ruptures. Then- out of nowhere- ships appeared out of each one. Jacob's eyes widened. "How the- where did they come from?"

     His ops officer made some more readings. "Apparently, sir, they are plowing through the very time-space continuum, through a completely alternate dimension. Doesn't look like it would be all too accurate, but it would be faster than hyperspace."

     Vader crossed his arms. "Pan-dimensional long range celestial travel using the slipstream." He commented "Ingenious. We've never found out how to use the slipstream, perhaps he can find out." Vader's hologram turned back to face Jacob. "You know your orders- ready all boarding craft."

     Jacob cocked an eyebrow. "My lord, in case you weren't aware, the space between us and them is one big dogfight- not exactly something we're excelling at right now."

     Vader put his arms back to his sides. "I'm sure you'll find a way, captain." The silhouette flickered off.


Breaking up just that one paragraph into many paragraphs can help readers understand your story. You can also identify patterns in your writing more easily. For instance, you have a pattern of action and then speech, whereas many authors would recommend speech then action. You don't need to go in as much detail about body language, let the tone of speech imply the body language or let the body language speak for itself. For instance you wrote:

Code:
     Vader crossed his arms. "Pan-dimensional long range celestial travel using the slipstream." He commented "Ingenious. We've never found out how to use the slipstream, perhaps he can find out." Vader's hologram turned back to face Jacob. "You know your orders- ready all boarding craft."

     Jacob cocked an eyebrow. "My lord, in case you weren't aware, the space between us and them is one big dogfight- not exactly something we're excelling at right now."


...could be written more like...


Code:
    "Pan-dimensional long range celestial travel using the slipstream... Ingenious," commented Vader. "We've never found out how to use the slipstream, perhaps he can find out?"

     "Captain, you know your orders -- ready all boarding craft." Vader's hologram flickered as he waited for a reply. "Something wrong Captain?"

     "My lord, in case you weren't aware, the space between us and them is one big dogfight -- not exactly something we're prepared to deal with right now."
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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Joined: 11 Oct 2004
Posts: 1073
Location: In the tower above the earth

PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 11:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jesus man, are all the stories in this series you post gonna be titled 'Starwars'? Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep track of what you've read and haven't when there is a series of stories all under the same name? Even hving I, II, III etc. after the titles would be better.

And please, I'm begging as I know Caleb has before, do use the Code, its not hard to learn and once you do it will help you greatly. [b ] [/b], [i ] [/i] and [u ] [/u ] tags are Bold, Italic and Underline respectivly, also use [indent] tags for new paragraphs and the like.

Also, I just don't get that distinctly Vader feel when you talk about that character, I don't know what it is though. This was rather good, keep it up and please, use the Code Very Happy.
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Wellington
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Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 11:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

He's submitted about 10 stories and people always tell him to use code and use paragraphs.

Just do it. You've been told.
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Csp499
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Joined: 14 May 2005
Posts: 27
Location: Aboard the Malta.Maybe I should push the button on this big spikey purple thing and see what happens

PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 11:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry if this did'nt meet up to certain standards- this was written before the critical comments were made, but came onto the side afterward. Also: I don't title it "Starwars," I title it "Starwars and Halo" then the chapter number. I havent the slightest Idea why it does'nt mention the "...and Halo" then the chapter number.

Yes, I most certainly WILL start using code, constantly paragraphing, and I'll try to improve my writing style.
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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Joined: 11 Oct 2004
Posts: 1073
Location: In the tower above the earth

PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 12:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thankyou for takign this into account, sorry to snap about the title Very Happy.
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Wado
The Hammer


Joined: 26 Jul 2004
Posts: 320

PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 6:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Csp499 wrote:
Sorry if this did'nt meet up to certain standards- this was written before the critical comments were made, but came onto the side afterward. Also: I don't title it "Starwars," I title it "Starwars and Halo" then the chapter number. I havent the slightest Idea why it does'nt mention the "...and Halo" then the chapter number.

Yes, I most certainly WILL start using code, constantly paragraphing, and I'll try to improve my writing style.


Csp499, the problem with your title is that you have an ampersand (&) character in the title. This is breaking the script that that is used to generate the comment page for your story.

You can fix this on your next submission by changing the title from "Starwars & Halo chapter 5" to "Starwars and Halo chapter 5."

I'll fix this thread for you manually.

Actually, I'll contact Louis about the script breaking on the title.
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Wado
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Joined: 26 Jul 2004
Posts: 320

PostPosted: Sun Nov 06, 2005 5:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Louis says he has fixed the problem with "&" characters in the title, so your stories should be alright from now on.
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