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Infestation Chapter 1

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4378

PostPosted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 2:09 pm    Post subject: Infestation Chapter 1 Reply with quote

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Infestation Chapter 1
Posted by Shadow hunter (Shadowhunter483@yahoo.com)
28 October 2005, 12:12 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Shadow_hunte1028050012331.html
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Dagorath
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Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 264
Location: Energy level 1.5

PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 12:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quite an effective beginning. Your introduction, mostly scorned by accomplished writers, actually worked quite well. It set the scene and let the reader know what was in store for him.

Little or no GPS errors. Remember to use two instead of 2 in stories. It's just this English thing everyone does.

Action went a little too fast though near the end. Why on earth would a civilian have a M6D pistol? Even if he had one, he wouldn't carry it to work. He works in a computer design office!

And what about those Ghosts? I don't really think that they would adapt Ghosts for transport. It's kind of one man: good in Halo 2, bad in real life. Warthogs, too, are for mountains and stuff. Not cruising on streets.

That's just nit-picking. Maybe you have different ideas. I wonder, do the Elites and humans like each other? In the novels, the Elites thought of them as "heathen primates" and the humans thought of the Elites as "bastards". Maybe you can work on that.

Remember to use the Code. You can find it in the Fan Fiction rules (I think).

Good start nonetheless, and have fun on HBO Fan Fic.
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Wellington
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Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 1:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why do I get the feeling that almost no time was spent on this? It was about as short as possible and had absolutely no introduction. You said something about some company that miraculously united the Elites and humans and then flood is raining from the sky.

That's not a story. That's an outline for a story.

Actually spend some time on your writing, and use the code. There were actually surprisingly few GPS errors.
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Dagorath
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Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 264
Location: Energy level 1.5

PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 11:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oooh. I think Wellington just subtly burned me for being unobservant.
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Conrad Lauf
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 139
Location: Australia

PostPosted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 7:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, pretty much all I was going to say has already been said by the guys above, all though I personally would have put it into kinder words!
I thought this was pretty good, it sort of reminded me of the modern version of "Dawn Of The Dead". I'd like to see where this goes.
Keep it up!

Connie
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