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Shadow Part1: Encounter

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 13, 2004 5:21 pm    Post subject: Shadow Part1: Encounter Reply with quote

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Shadow Part1: Encounter
Posted by MasterSushi (mastersushifp@hotmail.com)
13 September 2004, 4:19 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mastersushi.0913041619291.html
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Incarnate
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 13, 2004 5:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well the grammar wasn't exactly the best and sometimes i think your thoughts didn't quite make it into your story. Like at one point you were putting someones name in the story and just forgot it. Also your battle scene got a little hectic and it was kinda hard to tell what was going on but that will get better with pratice keep it up Smile
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 13, 2004 8:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, your paragraphing was okay, but it could have been better. Try using indents and making each of the paragraphs more defined.
I also was not sure about what kind of unit you were describing. Marines? Some other armed forces group? Well, either way, it would have been better had you given them ranks, especially since some of them were using UNSC weaponry. Speaking of that, did you know that the SRS99C-S2 AM Sniper Rifle supports interchangeable barrels, and just about everything else?
And yeah, your battle scene things were a little confusing at parts. You were talking about them attacking aliens, then you called them men.
Also, I was a tad confused by the alien thing. Coupled with the battle, it was kinda hard to figure out what the things were, or why they were there. So just use more detail, decribe things better.
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MasterSushi
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 14, 2004 6:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Embarassed Heh heh heh? I think I should clarify some of this. Firstly, sorry about the sniper rifle thing, also I use Royal Standard English Grammar so if your American (or not English) we use more complicated and pointless spellings! It was very rushed i'm afraid so I didn't look at it carefully(sorry).
This was my first time using pseudo code so that might explain my poor paragraphing. To clarify the story a bit (I should have put this in the story really shouldn't I?) . They have no ranks, only jobs. Some are more revered because of their victories. Their weaponry is usually scavenged or stolen, usually from when they were little as most of them were homeless. They work for Tetrao (Short for Tetraodontidae, look it up on google) which it is basically a special op group which handles threats against Earth. They don't fight with passion for Earth such as the marines or Spartans, but for money and vengeance. I use the word men and aliens because the word 'men' is used meaning more humanoid being as opposed to male human. Also it's hard to find lots of names for alien rather than just saying alien, creature, alien, creature, alien. (Which i did actually. Sorry again.) The best way to describe the aliens is probably like a humanoid-ish body with a Cthulhu/predator like head. This post has a lot of sorrys and i only hope you will enjoy the next story. The next will be a lot slower and detailed. With better paragraphing. Thanks for the constructive criticism. It wasn't that good was it? Wink
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echo3kilo
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 14, 2004 6:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like this one, even with it's minor problems. It's good that you caught them and will try to avoid them, next time. Just a quick question, though. I noticed in your post that you had an idea of what the aliens looked like, but I didn't while I was reading the story. The biggest mistake made by writers is assuming that the reader knows. If it isn't already described by someone else, make sure you clarify for those of us out of the loop. Also, at the start of the story you described the group as mercenaries who only killed, never taking prisoners, then at the end they do take a hostage...which one is it? Otherwise, it's a great story, keep it up!
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 14, 2004 9:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's good that you have the story in your mind, but yes, like echo3kilo stated, the reader does not know everything that you do about the story. You have to explain it, tell us all the details that we need to know, or are good for us to know, to better understand the story and what, and why, things are going on.
Details are what these are called.
Now, you might try a sort of Prologue to do this, but you could also explain it through thoughts of characters, or their actions, or their dialogue; you have many options. That's why writing can be fun.
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MasterSushi
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 15, 2004 6:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Smile Thanks for the comments. You're right, I should try to describe the aliens better and will in the second part. No one seems to have pointed out the lack of description for the main characters. I'll explain anyway. I try not to describe the looks of main characters so that the reader can decide. I don't want to describe a character a reader doesn't like the look of. The only way I can wriggle out of the capture thing is that it was an alien they hadn't seen before and thought it best to take some stuff. I expect they'd rather have it dead and was going to have them shoot it first but then thought: Why would they take an injured body to study rather than a uninjured one. Thanks again for the comments and advice! Smile
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Incarnate
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 16, 2004 1:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Guess id post this here. I'm thinking about making my own story but I dont know exactly how to do the code thing that will make my stories look nicer. Is there any link to a reference page or something that could help me out? Just with the coding on it or whatever.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 16, 2004 10:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*sigh*

It's right on the top of the FF Submission Form (as well as at the bottom of this very post).
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Swift'n'Painful
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 24, 2004 2:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yea, you didn't go into detail very much, but like you said you were rushed. and it does get quite confusing at times, and it seems like the Sqaud is rather indestructable, even against a small compound of "things." They should of at least have been fired upon from the aliens you'd think. And maybe a couple of close calls like where they almost got wounded.
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HELSING
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 12, 2005 1:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your story was great.

You might want to make your characters a little less invincible, if you put in a little more interaction with each other it would help a lot.
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